my journey to health

So today in our PT session I felt really good, I have to remind myself sometimes how far I have come – I have gone from barely being able to do squats to doing over 100, I could not lunge, I could not balance and just could not lower myself enough to do one, now I do walking lunges. Jog bahahahaha doubt it, no way, now I can do small distances of interval training and it doesn’t actually kill me!!!
Today I ran up half the stairs at the stadium!! Yes ran!! Up stairs!! WTF who is this person doing this stuff??

I have to thank amy for motivating me, I started dreading monday mornings, now I actually god forbid almost look forward to it, I love being pushed just that little bit further and see what I am now capable of doing. And my awesome friends who have all joined me in this little crusade and are doing challenges with me and adding more and pushing themselves!!!

Today at the stadium as we were leaving, there was a very large woman walking along with crutches, she started talking to us and laughing about amy making me walk around the stadium. She was there to walk the stairs, not only was she a big woman, but she was on crutches, now if someone like that can get off their ass and exercise then I have no excuses ever

I also get now why people say exercise helps with depression, I used to be very unmotivated, busy yes, motivated no!! Since I have been exercising I want to get out more, I want to do more things, it used to be a dvd and chips and dip and vodka, now it is going out with the kids walking, doing things, seeing things!! I remember a guy I used to see for weight loss saying how much of our lives revolve around food, you do something good you reward yourself with a meal out or a drink, you meet up with friends you do it with food or around food, everything we do that makes us feel good has food involved in it and you know I finally see now, years later that he is right – everything i did revolved around food and drinking!!!

I used to be tired, all the time, on a monday and a friday when the kids were at kindy, chris and I would sleep, all day, just sleep and often in the afternoons I would have a wee nap, I don’t do that now, yep I have a sleep in on a sunday morning, usually till around 10 and I love that and am not giving it up, but the rest of the time, what a waste what a waste of a day and a waste of time

Well no more, food is now something I put in my body to make it work properly, with the odd treat thrown in there!! Drinking is something I have had to seriously look at it was only 1 or 2 at night, sometimes every night then a 6 pack on a saturday night, one for lunch on a sunday it is a day off after all!! Now I just want to drink when I socialise, not on my own, not because it is there, but because I want to enjoy a few with my friends, this is the next thing I am working on!!!

My first step was losing the premixes, which I have done, I bought a bottle of vodka a couple of weeks ago and when I have a drink it is that with coke zero, no more sugar laden pre mixes – now to not automatically pour a drink at night, which I am getting good at, one bottle, two weeks, still half of it there – pretty damn good for me!!!

So when I weighed myself last time, the machine was actually out of order but the guy thought it was just the printing bit not working, so I weighed myself anyway and that is when I had put on weight.
Well I was in the mall tonight and thought what the hell I will weigh on the same machine whilst I am here, 128.8 I had to look twice, I was literally standing there waiting for the numbers to go up and they didn’t they stayed in the 120’s!!!!
Now I am not silly, I know that I would have lost weight whilst being sick but surely not that much???
That makes me 20 kilos down – FUCK YEAH
To celebrate I came home and did 120 squats lol!!!
No more motivation needed right now

Sooo on saturday night I decided it would be a good idea to eat KFC, expecting of course the normal reaction to fatty foods, a little diarrhea, a bit of discomfort but meah I love KFC it was worth it!!
Woke up sunday morning with what I expected only I felt pretty crook, terrible stomach cramps, really bad diarrhea, I just felt like ass. I spent the whole day on the couch not eating barely drinking just feeling terrible, slept well all night, then woke on monday with the worst case of diarrhea (lets see how many times I can use that word in one post lol) I think I have ever had, and back pain that was unbelieveable. Chris got up got charlie off to school and by the time he got back I was in agony, having only had abdo pain with diverticulitis  before I was a bit concerned about the back pain.
So I went up to the hospital knowing that the danger with diverticulitus is how quickly an infection can become a perforation. They took me straight in as by the time I got there I could barely walk, sure enough I had a temperature and there was infection, after attemptin 9 times to get a luer in they finally managed and started me on fluids and iv antibiotics.
Then off to north shore to make sure it wasn’t something more sinister.
By the time I was settled at north shore on mon night it had been two days since I had had my kfc and I was a little hungry, but no, no food allowed.
Tuesday they sent me off for a ct which is so weird when they inject dye in you, such a creepy strange feeling, ct showed that the inflammation was not in the part of my bowel diverticulitis shows and they think it is chrons disease, so they allowed me home  to be seen for a colonoscopy and biopsy as an outpatient.

So that was my exciting week, it is now wed night, I still am struggling to keep any food or drink inside my body and apparently this can go on for a while – yipee!! Though great for weight loss, shame it will go straight back on again but hey at least it is something in the meantime.

I have struggled to lie around and do nothing, I have believe it or not totally missed doing exercise so I came home and managed 80 squats, scary how quickly you can lose it I struggled to do the 80 but I still did it!!! Now to get a bit of energy up so I can do more and hope like hell it is something random and not chrons

I am also looking at it as a bit of a wake up call to pull my head in with my eating, I have been good, but slowly letting things slip in that I shouldn’t be, so I just need a kick up the ass every now and again to keep on track!!

So yesturday I went to the mall and decided to weigh myself, I figure it had been long enough!!
The result ?? I put on 2 kilos, how the hell does that happen??

I will admit to being a little disappointed when I saw it come up on the screen and my first though was fuck, all that work for nothing!! But after about 5 mins I got over myself and remembered it is not about the weight it is about me and my health and fitness, so I came home did my squat and arm challenge!!

My eating needs to get better I still eat things sometimes without thinking, but in the same token, eating is something I love, and really enjoy, I have learned about portion control and am getting there – a handful of chips is better than a whole bag!! I have to not punish myself for eating the wrong thing, the odd time I do, because as soon as I start feeling bad about eating something it is too easy to start that whole cycle of well I ate one thing so I have blown it may as well pig out for the rest of the day!! So I am refusing to feel bad about the odd bad food choice, I would rather look at how much better I am doing !!

My doctor once said to me when you are trying to lose weight and things go bad and you put on a few kilos, you need to not focus on the fact you put a few on but focus on the ones you have still kept off – it is  a head thing and sometimes is it is not so easy to make you head think they way you know it should.

So I am now doing a squat challenge, arm challenge and perhaps cardio challenge, haven’t decided on that one yet, and I am going to see the doctor about the calf and hip pain I am having as it is making the exercise part hard and not so enjoyable

I stuffed my knee yesturday and it has been pretty sore, it is coming right though so even if it is not better I will be walking tomorrow, I need to do something every day or I will slip back into my old ways, I have eaten less than normal today, I know i probably shouldn’t but not doing some form of exercise makes me feel guilty about the eating – bad emotion?? Probably but regardless that is how I feel, who would have thought the day would come when I felt bad for not doing exercise!!

So my session with amy was pretty good this week, the bitch made me do star jumps, star jumps ffs, have you ever seen a severly obese woman doing starjumps?? Not a pretty sight, and in public, but I did them, in fact I did 30 of the buggers!! We also did a bit of jogging which is cool as it is making me feel like I am getting better at this stuff, hell 6 weeks ago there is no way I would have jogged anywhere, for any distance. And the stairs, jesus I hate stairs so much and the worst thing is by the time I get home I am pretty sore and then I have to walk up stairs !! Never living in a two storey house again.

I am starting to feel quite proud of myself and what I have personally achieved with fitness so far, and it will only get better!!!

So today I did not exercise, I planned on doing yoga but was crazy busy baking and kind of ran out of time.
And you know I don’t feel so good for it, I am having a fat day, I know, I know I am fat so a fat day is normal, but today I don’t feel strong and energetic, like I have every other day this week – so tomorrow I make up for it!!

On a side note, I tried another yoga video, heaps better though I cannot for the life of me sit with my legs crossed, so that is my mission, that is my next target, to sit with my legs crossed

Had an awesome session with amy today. though she made me do twice as many step ups as usual which did not make me overly happy!!! And she made me walk quickly up the stairs to leave which made me puff – a lot!!!

But I felt good today, I needed to get back off my ass, forget about the week that was and just do it – I even jogged, well I kind of lumbered quickly around a small portion of the track but hey it is better than nothing!

Back to my eggs on toast for lunch and a spot of yoga and my routine is back on track, thank god, I do not like change I have decided.

One small achievement, doing yoga today we do this stretch and I have never been able to keep my opposing arm on the ground, it is always in the air – today I did it, I kept my arm where it was supposed to be, little steps and all that!!!

So this week we had friends to stay, we had my husbands 50th so the weekend was a bit of a write off with chips and drinks and bad food, though to my credit I ate corn chips with salsa rather than piles of chips and dips and I did drink vodka with coke zero, not premixes!!

Monday came and our friends were supposed to be going away for the day, but the didn’t – Boom perfect excuse to not go to training with amy, tuesday my daughter went on spirit of adventure, another perfect excuse. Wednesday morning I woke up in pain and with diahorrea, due of course to the ammount of alcohol and fatty foods consumed with freinds – yet another perfect excuse for no exercise!!
Friday my daughters birthday and just like that an entire week with no exercise!!

As the week wore on, my eating got worse, partly because one of the children staying with us is Anaphylaxis  to eggs, and this really threw me, I was unable to have my eggs for lunch and the end of this routine left me floundering, what the hell did I eat if I could not eat my eggs??

So here I sit on sunday night, I have eaten chips and pizza, kfc and indian, I have eaten gluten, had dairy and all those things on the bad list of my diet, and not a single bit of exercise.

But you know what, it is okay, because I am not giving up, tomorrow I am getting up and I am meeting amy at the track and I will continue, it is only a week it is not the end of the world, and I will get there, I am not a fat person, I am a healthy fit person stuck inside this fat body and I am determined to claw my way out of it!!

On a side note I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and I was down to 140.9 I am picking I am slightly more than that now, so I will not weigh myself again for a couple of weeks !!

My trainer and friend amy posted this and it made me cry, it also made me think of my friend kylie ann who used to walk and walk  and walk with her 150 odd kilo body, pushing her babies in a pushchair, she is one of those people who truly inspire me and one day I will be able to keep up with her

I also started doing yoga, absolute beginners yoga, yoga that basically consists of breathing and the odd stretching, god it is hard, why?? Because there is a lot of fat on me, it is impossible for me to bend my leg and grab hold of my knee, I simply can’t it is physically impossible, there is too much fat in between to enable my hands to reach my knee, even with it bent!!!

So I started doing this regularly so that one day I would be able to reach that damn knee and pull my leg into a proper stretch!!

Which reminds me, the first time at the stadium amy wanted me to stretch by putting my leg up behind me and grabbing my foot, ha ha guess what I could not do, again too much fat in between, I look forward to the day I can do this!!

Our third session at the track was a good one, we did two rounds of the track walking then squats lunges and those god damn stairs – how I loathe those stairs!!
Lunges I struggle with, I struggle with the balance and getting my knees down there, but I have noticed it getting easier I am a little less unco this week.

The coming back down the stairs is a struggle as well, I just drop myself off the stairs, it is actually really hard to hold your weight on one leg and control your step down, but this week it was just that tiny bit easier.

I struggle with the walks this week, did the tuesday walk ok, and then wednesday I really did not want to do it, but I went anyway and thanks to tawa for coming with me or I would never have gone!!

Then friday as I was about to leave the house for my walk my cousin rung, she needed a jumpstart, and I almost jumped for joy, an excuse and a good excuse to not walk!!!

So I went along to my first session with amy, it was suprisingly easy, some squats, lunges, arm exercises I actually enjoyed it, was sore the next day but quite happy she didn’t push me too hard – hahahaha how wrong I was, she was just lulling me into a false sense of security before she showed me what real exercise was!!

She taught me to eat 6 times a day and that is something I still struggle with, I am eating more than I have ever eaten in my life, and I am hungry all the time, it is a new feeling to be eating to lose weight and I struggle as my head tells me eating will make me fat, and that is something I really need to work on, changing the way I think.

My second session involved a running track and stairs, jesus the stairs, It is not natural to have to do what she made me do with stairs. But I felt good afterwards, sore but good, I had energy and I achieved a lot, I wasn’t tired and I didn’t want to have an afternoon nap as I usually do!!

Eating was good I had gotten into a routine porridge with berries for breakfast, poached eggs on toast for lunch, snacks in between and a healthy dinner.

Amy also wanted me to walk at least 3 times a week, this I cheated on, I really struggle with self motivation, I seem to be able to come up with an excuse and good excuses I might add to not be able to walk!!

So I asked my sister in law if she wanted to walk with me and next thing I know there are 4 of us from our coffee group walking three times a week – I was stoked, I need this, I need the motivation and they won’t let me get away with bullshit excuses either!!!