my journey to health

It is hard for those that have never been truly fat to understand what it is like, sure we have all had our battles with weight  and I commend anyone who has lost heaps and changed their lives, I get it a lot where people comment on my health and my weight together – I love you just the way you are but your health concerns me. Come on get fuckin real, my health does not concern you, I have no health issues why would my good health concern you?? You comment because I am fat and you cannot grasp how I got that fat, how I allowed that to happen to myself, why I won’t try eating better or exercising, your concern for my health is simply you not understanding .

I can’t explain it to you because unless you have had eating issues or a body that piles on weight ridiculously easy you just could never get it.

Exercising when obesely fat is hard, it is so god damn hard, every part of my body wiggles, my stomach hits my thighs as I run, skip, jump, you name it. Dont say to me come on you can do it, you have no clue wether I can do it or not, strap another 70 kilos to your body then tell me you can run that extra 10 metres or climb those extra few steps, try doing a squat, a lunge, a sit up with all this fat in between the bits that are supposed to bend, it is damn near impossible sometimes. It is not always my will that won’t let me do it, sometimes it is just beyond my physical capabilities, my body gets in the way!!

Don’t get me wrong I appreciate those that encourage me and help me, I really do, but I am not like you, I am nothing like you, I cannot do a burpee, not cause I don’t want to cause I just cannot, I cannot do mountain climbers, I struggle to plank – you hold 140 kilos on your elbow and toes and tell me you can do another 10 secs!!!

I want to do yoga, Oh god I really want to do yoga, i have done some but you know what I can’t cross my legs, I can’t get into the simplest of positions cause the fat surrounding my body just wont let me, I will get there, one day I truly will, but please understand sometimes I just can’t.

There are so many things slimmer people just take for granted and why wouldn’t they. I have to be careful when I go out to eat that it is at a cafe that has substantial chairs, I cannot sit in chairs with arms because my ass will not fit in them, I cannot sit in flimsy chairs because it is a massive fear that one will collapse underneath me and everyone will look at the fat girl that broke the chair.

I cannot fly because I cannot fit in an aeroplane seat. I cannot tie my own shoelaces, I struggle to put socks on, it is a mission of manouverability to manage it. I have to worry about travelling in cars as 8 times out of 10 the seatbelt will not do up around me.

I often put off going out with friends because I have nothing to wear, nothing!! I barely fit the biggest size in shops, people often say oooh you should shop at city chic they have awesome clothes, trust me if I could, I would, I can’t they do not fit me. There is a reason I sloth around, in tights and trackies, it is because I cannot find nice pants or tops to fit me and when I do I wear them till they fall apart.

The worst is exercising I have no exercise clothes bar tights and a tshirt because I can’t by any anywhere, I cannot buy a sports bra to stop my boobs knocking me out. I have had a couple of friends comment that I need new bras, I know that, trust me I know, but I don’t have the ridiculous ammounts of money needed to buy one. The only underwear I own are the warehouse enormous bloomers that we all laugh about, they are the only ones that fit me.

Anyway I just wanted to give you a bit of an insight into being really fat, we don’t live like this cause we like it, we live like this because it is so hard to change it, it takes such incredible will power and it takes such a long time it is easy to quit and just carry on like we are

Today I purchased some 5 kilo dumbells, which probably doesn’t seem like much, but 6 months ago I was struggling with 1 kilo dumbells so things like this just show me how far I have come!!!
So the weight is not falling off like I wanted but I am resigned to it taking forever, I still eat, what I want, within reason of course, I have definitely changed my eating habits for the better.
I am enjoying exercise now though and I don’t need to do it all the time, I don’t force myself I do it when I feel like it which luckily is reasonable often.
I find I get bored easily so this week I changed it up and did a circuit class!! Jesus fuckin christ I hurt in places I didn’t even know had muscles!!!!
At this class I discovered TRX straps, awesome!!! You basically use your body weight for exercises with these straps, I bought some and am really looking forward to them arriving, I know hubby will use them too!
So all is good in my world I have found my happy place for now, lets hope I stay there for a while

Oh I forgot to add, I tore my calf muscle, it gave me a good week off exercise, but you know what I missed it, weird I know, I don’t even recognise this person I am anymore, but yep I missed it hence the circuit class, and I was okay, it hurt a little but all was good!!

So let me catch you up, I got through christmas and new years eating like a pig, drinking more than I should have, and when I finally got the motivation to venture back to the gym I was absolutely stoked to find I had only put on a kilo, I am not kidding I was expecting around 10 because in the past it would have been!!

This got me thinking that perhaps this exercise thing is actually working, perhaps it has actually done something with my metabolism and I am actually burning more than I used to.

I have decided I am simply going to be more active, I walk with the kids, hell I even walked to the gym, I am enjoying being out and about rather than just going to the gym which admittedly was starting to bore me.

So I walk/run the track behind my house, yes run!!!! Not huge distances but I can do over 100m now I used to struggle to run 10 so we are getting there, I have walked/run the track at the stadium and the stairs a few times and I am going to the gym at least twice a week. so it is just about slowly getting there. In total I am nearly 8 kilos down from 6 months ago, once this would have gutted me, but you know what 8 kilos is 8 kilos and it took me around 10 years to put on the 70 odd kilos I did so I figure it should take me just as long to lose it and I am good with it.

I am so stoked with the small things, the ability to jog ( admittedly I can only do it once or twice a week cause it takes that long for my calves to stop hurting!!!) That is huge, massively huge and I am super stoked with myself.

So onwards and upwards from here!!!