my journey to health

I am still here, still going strong, I have had so many people ask me if I have quit as I haven’t written anything lately. No I haven’t quit, i just need to be in the mood to write and life has been a little too hectic of late.

We have moved so that has taken up some serious me time, work has been crazy busy, that is settling down again thank goodness so I am back.

I have joined a number of pages on facebook pages of people who are on massive weight loss journeys and theme is always the same, it is always about dieting or a particular way of eating. Now don’t get me wrong I actually have no issue with this at all, we do what works for us. I just cannot stand the thought of feeling guilty if I put something in my mouth I shouldn’t, if I was to count calories or points or carbs or anything else it would drive me nuts. It was easter this weekend, so I ate some chocolate, I started with just a square as I am not a chocolate fan, but this was one of those bars with rice crispies and jelly beans and popping candy which hid the chocolate taste quite nicely, and OMG it was good, it was so good in fact I ate the entire bar over the space of two days. Do I feel guilty?? Hell no I don’t, I thoroughly enjoyed every single mouthful. It may have made me put on some weight but meah, so what. What I have finally learned is to enjoy food, to taste something, enjoy it and move on, not to restrict or punish myself.
I cannot spend the rest of my life counting my food or worrying about putting on a few grams, I have to be able to live and if it takes me a couple more years to lose this weight so be it! As long as I stay on track I am in no hurry.

So I have a few achievements I feel need to be told, I can now do a proper burpee, two feet at the same time!!! It does not look glamorous in any way, shape or form, in fact I probably resemble a wallowing hippo whilst doing them, but I can do them!! Who would have thought that being able to do a proper burpee would give me such a thrill? Bastard Mike made me do 88 of them the other day, not all in a row thank god!!

I also bought a pair of boots, a normal size pair of boots, not plus size. Those of you who have big legs will totally get where I am coming from. Sure they have a stretchy panel in them, but I can do them up and comfortably!!! And they didn’t cost me $100’s  either.

I found myself sitting on the couch the other day with my legs folded under me when I realised what I was doing I wondered how long I had been able to do that for, I don’t remember when I could do it again, I obviously just started doing it, there is no way i could have done that 6 months ago – simple things, things others take for granted suddenly become a big deal.

And I have shoulders, actual shoulders, not just shoulders I can feel but shoulders you can see, and a collar bone, sure that is not fully visible but shit it is close. My tops all fall off my shoulders now and I have taken to wearing tights a lot – I know, I know they are for exercise not fashion, but it is too hard to shop at the moment, I am almost an 18 but not quite and my 20’s are getting a bit loose so I don’t want to spend money on either size until I fully go down another size.

My arms however are saggy They are actually starting to get a little better but they still carry on waving long after I have stopped, and my stomach oh the sag, the incredible sag. You can’t possibly understand the sag until you have it, there is a lot of skin that has been massively stretched and as the stretch is leaving, the skin has nowhere to go but down. I now have to wear “pull me in” undies each and every day, If I don’t I wobble, I wobble when I walk, when I run I don’t just wobble, it is more like a wave crashing on the shore, it is hideous, but the right undies keep it in place. I tell you, when this journey is over I am on that plane to Thailand and I am getting every last bit of that sag cut and polished.

On the exercise front, I have been told numerous times, wait till you you have been doing it a while, you will get addicted, you will love it!!! Well it has been quite a while now, in fact it has been an entire year since I started with Mike and you know what I don’t love it, I am not addicted to it, I still hate every single minute of it. I have to drag myself to class, during class I spend the entire time waiting and wishing for it to be over. Sure it is easier, it is a lot easier, I don’t struggle like I used to, my next goal is to run all the way up the luckens rd hill, not that long ago I struggled to walk all the way up it. But I still truly hate exercise in any form. And people are right when they say it is a mind thing, it really, truly is. Losing weight, getting fit, changing anything about your life is really damn hard, it means having to change your mindset, change the way you think, they way you feel about things, and until you do that it really doesn’t matter what you do with your body, because without the mind change you will just go back to what you have always done.

So here I am lighter, fitter, healthier, happier. I eat well, I limit alcohol, I play at the park with my kids, hell I even fit down the slide, I swing on the swings, I sit cross legged, I wear normal size boots, I fit seatbelts, I can run, I can do burpees and push ups. I am still fat, but I am okay with that, it is not the issue it used to be, it doesn’t control me, it doesn’t limit me, it no longer defines me.

I also still eat crap food, sometimes I binge on alcohol, I can be lazy and sleep in and miss class and sit in front of tv for hours.  I hate burpees and running with an incredible passion. I am still that person that got to 150 kilos. I have just learned to do these things ocassionally, not full time, and fingers crossed I manage to get that balance between the two right and keep it right for many years to come.