my journey to health

Eeek tomorrow morning I am off to meet a new trainer, my motivation is long gone, long, long gone I am eating at night again, which pisses me off cause it took me a long time to kick that habit, so I am going to someone new I have asked to help with eating to so fingers crossed she can help me all round not just with exercise – watch this space.

To be completely honest I have sat here most of the night coming up with an excuse to not go in the morning, but I will, cause I need to, it is so much easier to be fat and carry on the way I am, it is so much harder to change but I will do it, I will go – see how hard I am trying to convince myself!!!!

I am falling back into old habits, my eating is going down hill, my calf muscle is stopping me doing cardio and I am finding myself back to where I started.
Hell I even find myself considering weight loss surgery – fuck I do not want to do that – ever!!!!
People hassling me about going to the gym is not helping, i can’t be assed, I am bored, I am over it, I want to do my jogging I liked that I was getting somewhere, now I can’t arrrrgggghhhhh so fustrating!
Enjoying circuit class, it is different and kind of fun and a cool way to meet people.
I don’t know, I really don’t I feel sometimes like I am getting nowhere that I have put in loads of hard work and nothing. My eating is something I think I will always struggle with I need reality not tiny meals that make me hungrier, food that is tasty that is nice, not skinless chicken breast on tasteless vegetables, I need someone to teach me how to eat properly and healthily.

On a good note I am doing the relay for life this weekend, walking laps for 18 hours with only 11 of us – should do my cardio for the next month lol!!

I had a friend tell me the other day that her daughter commented that I must be cheating and I can’t be doing the exercise I say I am because I am still fat – and although it is true and I do appreciate honesty it kind of gutted me, yeah I have cheated, yeah I have been slack sometimes but 8 kilos, 8 kilos lost is better than the 10 I would have put on. I know people can’t see any difference and can’t believe I am doing what I am, but I am.

I wish people understood how destructive their comments can be, it wasn’t nasty, it wasn’t mean it was said in context of a conversation and I am not upset at the comment just that people still see me as that fat girl, not that fat girl who is doing everything she can to not longer be her