my journey to health

I stuffed my knee yesturday and it has been pretty sore, it is coming right though so even if it is not better I will be walking tomorrow, I need to do something every day or I will slip back into my old ways, I have eaten less than normal today, I know i probably shouldn’t but not doing some form of exercise makes me feel guilty about the eating – bad emotion?? Probably but regardless that is how I feel, who would have thought the day would come when I felt bad for not doing exercise!!

So my session with amy was pretty good this week, the bitch made me do star jumps, star jumps ffs, have you ever seen a severly obese woman doing starjumps?? Not a pretty sight, and in public, but I did them, in fact I did 30 of the buggers!! We also did a bit of jogging which is cool as it is making me feel like I am getting better at this stuff, hell 6 weeks ago there is no way I would have jogged anywhere, for any distance. And the stairs, jesus I hate stairs so much and the worst thing is by the time I get home I am pretty sore and then I have to walk up stairs !! Never living in a two storey house again.

I am starting to feel quite proud of myself and what I have personally achieved with fitness so far, and it will only get better!!!

So today I did not exercise, I planned on doing yoga but was crazy busy baking and kind of ran out of time.
And you know I don’t feel so good for it, I am having a fat day, I know, I know I am fat so a fat day is normal, but today I don’t feel strong and energetic, like I have every other day this week – so tomorrow I make up for it!!

On a side note, I tried another yoga video, heaps better though I cannot for the life of me sit with my legs crossed, so that is my mission, that is my next target, to sit with my legs crossed

Had an awesome session with amy today. though she made me do twice as many step ups as usual which did not make me overly happy!!! And she made me walk quickly up the stairs to leave which made me puff – a lot!!!

But I felt good today, I needed to get back off my ass, forget about the week that was and just do it – I even jogged, well I kind of lumbered quickly around a small portion of the track but hey it is better than nothing!

Back to my eggs on toast for lunch and a spot of yoga and my routine is back on track, thank god, I do not like change I have decided.

One small achievement, doing yoga today we do this stretch and I have never been able to keep my opposing arm on the ground, it is always in the air – today I did it, I kept my arm where it was supposed to be, little steps and all that!!!

So this week we had friends to stay, we had my husbands 50th so the weekend was a bit of a write off with chips and drinks and bad food, though to my credit I ate corn chips with salsa rather than piles of chips and dips and I did drink vodka with coke zero, not premixes!!

Monday came and our friends were supposed to be going away for the day, but the didn’t – Boom perfect excuse to not go to training with amy, tuesday my daughter went on spirit of adventure, another perfect excuse. Wednesday morning I woke up in pain and with diahorrea, due of course to the ammount of alcohol and fatty foods consumed with freinds – yet another perfect excuse for no exercise!!
Friday my daughters birthday and just like that an entire week with no exercise!!

As the week wore on, my eating got worse, partly because one of the children staying with us is Anaphylaxis  to eggs, and this really threw me, I was unable to have my eggs for lunch and the end of this routine left me floundering, what the hell did I eat if I could not eat my eggs??

So here I sit on sunday night, I have eaten chips and pizza, kfc and indian, I have eaten gluten, had dairy and all those things on the bad list of my diet, and not a single bit of exercise.

But you know what, it is okay, because I am not giving up, tomorrow I am getting up and I am meeting amy at the track and I will continue, it is only a week it is not the end of the world, and I will get there, I am not a fat person, I am a healthy fit person stuck inside this fat body and I am determined to claw my way out of it!!

On a side note I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and I was down to 140.9 I am picking I am slightly more than that now, so I will not weigh myself again for a couple of weeks !!

My trainer and friend amy posted this and it made me cry, it also made me think of my friend kylie ann who used to walk and walk  and walk with her 150 odd kilo body, pushing her babies in a pushchair, she is one of those people who truly inspire me and one day I will be able to keep up with her

I also started doing yoga, absolute beginners yoga, yoga that basically consists of breathing and the odd stretching, god it is hard, why?? Because there is a lot of fat on me, it is impossible for me to bend my leg and grab hold of my knee, I simply can’t it is physically impossible, there is too much fat in between to enable my hands to reach my knee, even with it bent!!!

So I started doing this regularly so that one day I would be able to reach that damn knee and pull my leg into a proper stretch!!

Which reminds me, the first time at the stadium amy wanted me to stretch by putting my leg up behind me and grabbing my foot, ha ha guess what I could not do, again too much fat in between, I look forward to the day I can do this!!

Our third session at the track was a good one, we did two rounds of the track walking then squats lunges and those god damn stairs – how I loathe those stairs!!
Lunges I struggle with, I struggle with the balance and getting my knees down there, but I have noticed it getting easier I am a little less unco this week.

The coming back down the stairs is a struggle as well, I just drop myself off the stairs, it is actually really hard to hold your weight on one leg and control your step down, but this week it was just that tiny bit easier.

I struggle with the walks this week, did the tuesday walk ok, and then wednesday I really did not want to do it, but I went anyway and thanks to tawa for coming with me or I would never have gone!!

Then friday as I was about to leave the house for my walk my cousin rung, she needed a jumpstart, and I almost jumped for joy, an excuse and a good excuse to not walk!!!

So I went along to my first session with amy, it was suprisingly easy, some squats, lunges, arm exercises I actually enjoyed it, was sore the next day but quite happy she didn’t push me too hard – hahahaha how wrong I was, she was just lulling me into a false sense of security before she showed me what real exercise was!!

She taught me to eat 6 times a day and that is something I still struggle with, I am eating more than I have ever eaten in my life, and I am hungry all the time, it is a new feeling to be eating to lose weight and I struggle as my head tells me eating will make me fat, and that is something I really need to work on, changing the way I think.

My second session involved a running track and stairs, jesus the stairs, It is not natural to have to do what she made me do with stairs. But I felt good afterwards, sore but good, I had energy and I achieved a lot, I wasn’t tired and I didn’t want to have an afternoon nap as I usually do!!

Eating was good I had gotten into a routine porridge with berries for breakfast, poached eggs on toast for lunch, snacks in between and a healthy dinner.

Amy also wanted me to walk at least 3 times a week, this I cheated on, I really struggle with self motivation, I seem to be able to come up with an excuse and good excuses I might add to not be able to walk!!

So I asked my sister in law if she wanted to walk with me and next thing I know there are 4 of us from our coffee group walking three times a week – I was stoked, I need this, I need the motivation and they won’t let me get away with bullshit excuses either!!!

This will be a rather long post as I have been meaning to write it for a while now and have only just gotten around to it!!
I am 41 years old and last weight at the doctors was 148.4 kilos, I had it wrong at 146!!
I have been big for a while but for the first time in my life I started noticing it affecting me, things like visting people and sitting on outdoor furniture, rickety chairs and those horrible plastic ones, gave me the shits, I even broke a canvas chair once.

I desperately want to go and visit friends in the south island and thought of getting on an aeroplane and not fitting in the seat scares the crap out of me! I struggle to sit on the floor, I struggle to get up off the ground
I cannot bend down and put socks on or tie my laces without a struggle, I cannot play on the playground with my kids.
And I do not want to be this person, I have never been this person, my weight has never stopped me doing anything – now it does.

I have diverticulitis, so my doctor put me on the FODMAP diet, I have given up a lot of foods and for the first time in a very long time I feel well, I am no longer in pain, I wake up feeling okay, I no longer suck back a pile of losec everyday, I feel good!! First step and the good thing is I don’t have to count calories or have certain ammounts I just eat the foods I am allowed!!!

I have this awesome friend amy who is now a qualified personal trainer, so I made the decision to ask her to help me, knowing that there was no escape from her, that I couldn’t make bullshit excuses to not turn up and that I couldn’t just ignore her emails or phone calls, I was finally going to be accountable for exercising – my worst nightmare! I hate exercise, I really, truly do!!