my journey to health

So on friday night a very dear friend of my sons hung herself, 23 years old, what could possibly be that bad at 23 years old? She was such a beautiful girl, the last conversation I had with her was me convincing her to marry my son one day, who would have thought she would never get old enough to marry anyone??

And the effect it has had on all of her friends is just heartbreaking, they are devastated, speaking to my son on skype whilst he cried his heart out was horrible, he is currently winging his way home from canada to bury his friend, noone at that age should have to do that, none of them should have to deal with the death of a friend let alone a friend taking their own life.

My son is very lucky, he has such an incredible bunch of friends, most of them met at high school and they have been friends ever since, they hug each other, they tell each other they love each other, girlfriends have learned that though they may hold a special place, they simply cannot compete with the friendship the “boys” have. Amongst this tight group of boys are four girls, they are part of the group, they hang out with the boys, they drink with the boys, they hold special places in their hearts, and now that foursome is down to a threesome and none of them really know how to deal with it.

Two of them stopped in here today after the hospital, they were with Danielle as she finally passed on and the haunted look on their faces was just awful, I am so gutted for them all and have shed many a tear over the last two days. I cannot understand how her parents must be feeling I simply cannot fathom having to bury a child.

My boy is home on wednesday morning, and his boys are picking him up, I am glad they are his first port of call and hope that together they can help each other get through this tragedy

RIP Danielle you were a beautiful wee soul

Like really, seriously hate it! Today at shape shift he made us do cardio, running up the hill, I hate that hill with an incredible passion, I reckon the sadistic bastard bought a house at the bottom of a hill just to make us suffer – and who the hell runs up hills, seriously??

To be fair I don’t know if you could call what I did running, I kind of lumbered then fast walked, then slow walked, then dawdled to the top, but I did go fast on the way back down. then. then, he made us to it again!! My calves were killing me, I could barely breath but I did it, the others did it three times but he only made me do it twice, I could have kissed him for that!!

We then did bikes and squats and sit ups and small runs and then he made us go back up the hill carrying a 10 kilo kettlebell ffs.

And you know what I hated every minute of it, not once during it did I think hey this is not so bad, not once! I usually do but this was everything I hate about exercise. Most of the hill time I was thinking bugger this I am not coming back here again – but I know that I will never get there if I just do weights, the thing I love the most, I know I have to do this but good god I wish I didn’t!!

I now have 3 weeks to lose just over 2 kilos, stupid me told vannessa, she now has me doing exercises at home and crossfit tomorrow, though depending on how my legs feel tomorrow I may have to flag that, they are pretty sore already.
As mean as she is to me it is good having her, shes got my back and is determined to make sure I meet that goal!!

So I have actually really enjoyed the wee bit of boxing I have done so when  a bag came up nice and cheap I grabbed it, slowly building up my exercise equipment!

Today we did a boxing and spin class which was awesome and I dragged my mother along, now those of you whom know me know my mother and I have an interesting relationship, we really don’t have a lot in common, she is an exercise freak always has been and really struggles with how fat I am, she doesn’t understand it cause all you need to do it some exercise, which is a fair call but not to the person hearing it.
I have a cousin who has the unfortunate genes I do and her mother is a lot like mine, I hear the things she says to her daughter and it makes me cringe as it is the same stuff my mother always said to me, they think they are helping, they really do and I get that, however they have no idea how it makes us feel when it is said to us, constantly being told you are putting on weight, you need to exercise etc it gets tiring, it gets old, we know it, we really do, sometimes it would be nice to just have some support.

To be fair to my mother she tried, she used to take me to the gym with her and she always fed us well, but I have bad genes there is a reason every single woman in my birth family is overweight! There is a reason that growing up with my mother who raised us to exercise and do sport I got fat, my birth mother whom I did not meet until my 30’s is fat, nature vs nurture right there!! It is not an excuse at all, but it is an explanation, some people struggle to lose weight and put it on at the drop of a hat, I just happen to be one of those, then you have people who eat whatever the hell they like, barely put weight on and when they do lose it easily, the two of us can never understand each other because it is impossible until you have lived in each others shoes.

So anyway I dragged my mum along this morning, because for the first time in our lives we have something in common, we can exercise together!! She is proud of me for doing it and it was nice to have her there, to do something with her, so hey this exercise thing is positive in a whole lot of ways!!

Now to fill the base of my boxing bag and put my husbands face on it

So my doctor has now reffered me for weight loss surgery, I am still in two minds as I don’t really know if i want to do it, I am loving the exercise, I love mikes classes I am even doing an extra one tomorrow. I know who is this person you may ask!!

But I still do not have my eating under control and I don’t know if I ever will, I can go for weeks eating well, enjoying eating well and then boom, out of the blue I go and buy a bag of chips and some dips and I sit down and I eat the whole lot, which makes me want more, then the next day I feel like ass, so I eat bad again, it is freakin madness and it takes a lot of will power to stop this downward spiral of destruction.

Luckily for me I have this willpower it just doesn’t work for me all the time, if it did I wouldn’t be this fat!!

Anyway a bit about my doctor, he used to be a huge man, he lost 100 odd kilos and he is just awesome, he gets it, he fully understands, he gets everything I say and sometimes I don’t even need to say it, he just gets it. For this I am eternally grateful, there is nothing worse than a doctor who doesn’t understand, who just doesn’t get the weight issue.

We have talked about surgery time and time again, I think I finally feel ready to explore it, I think I am in the right frame of mind to have it not as a quick fix like I used to think of it but as something to fix what is wrong with me and that is my eating! I exercise I am healthy but the food is a serious issue and I need help with it.

I am still not 100% convinced and the thought scares the shit out of me, but I have had the blood tests and doc has put the referral in, it won’t happen for quite some time, even if it does happen so I may never have to make the decision and then again I may, in the meantime I will research what I can, put my mind at ease and leave it in the hands of fate

So I went and met the new trainer who was absolutely lovely, I really, really liked her, however a bit of a change in circumstances mean’t I could not afford her, which is a real shame as I think we would have clicked wonderfully together.

But it is okay because at the same time my girlfriend jeannie introduced me to shape shift, which is a pretty awesome class run by mike out of his garage. I think I am a little in love with him, he runs the classes with only 6 people our first two only had 3 and 4, so it is like having a personal trainer, but without the price ticket. The first day he spent about an hour after class talking to us about all sorts of things. There is just something about him I really like. I like the fact he pushes me just as hard as everyone else, just because I am twice their size he gives no allowances, though he does let me walk when they run thank god!!
I am loving his classes, they are different each week and they are hard, really hard, they push me right to the limit, last week I could not straighten my arms for two days!!
I love that he really seems to care, he takes time after every class to talk to us and I feel really good and comfortable not only with him but with the girls in the class, they are all lovely, so long may my relationship with this man continue!!