my journey to health

Yes I am going to cheat!! I am very anti any type of diet, the only way to live healthily is to eat properly, good wholesome food and of course good exercise. I swore to myself I would never do another diet, but here I am my first day on optifast. Why?? Because I am struggling with my exercise, because I am just to big to do a lot of it, because I am hurting standing all day at work, then doing class my feet hurt, my back hurts, my leg hurts, sometimes so badly I cannot even stand on my left leg. The only thing that is going to help this is losing weight.
Now I have been happy to lose it slowly, I am good with that. I don’t expect miracles, I don’t expect a bikini by christmas, I am stoked with my weight loss, I am stoked with my fitness, I am stoked with my muscles. I am not stoked that this body is holding me back.
So yes I am doing a diet, one recommended by the doctor, to hopefully drop a bit quickly so I can do these things a lot easier and avoid injury, yes I feel like a sellout, yes I feel like I have taken the easy road, but I am okay with it, it took a long time to decide and I am comfortable with my decision!!
This last week we have been doing the meanest leg workouts, wed night was crazy I’ll see if I can post what we did

This was hard we had to do it 3x and in between each exercise we had to run down to the playground, I managed it twice through and got one exercise into the 3rd round, some of the girls did it 3x they are legends!! I was expecting a reasonable ammount of pain the next day but weirdly I was fine, my knees were a bit achy but my legs were sweet!!! Saturday was a little easier cardio wise but harder leg wise, I did not escape that without pain, I was pretty sore on sunday.
Then turned up late to class today, oops he changed it 9 not 9.30 lol. So I only got a half workout but it was still good, I love that I am finding tricep dips a little easier now, I am doing 8 kilos comfortably, not struggling and bicep curls I am pissing through at 10 kilos now. My friend did say to me the other day you are going to have the meanest body when that fat goes, and I think she is right there are a fair few muscles hiding under that fat layer now!!!

I am going to start an extra personal training session with mike and sandi this week, just step it up a little. Sandi is awesome, I started class and didn’t recognise her, but she did me, we went to high school together and I love having her in my class, she struggles just as much as I do some days with weight etc and it is nice having someone who gets it. she is a lot smaller and fitter than me but she fully understands the struggle.

My achievements this week, have been easily upping my weights on my arms, and being able to pull my knee into my chest when we stretch! When we started this one of the stretches is to put your hands behind your knee and pull it into your chest. I couldn’t do this, I could put one hand on top of my knee and attempt to pull it, but on saturday I got both hands behind my knee, as I was doing it I clicked and thought shit, this is the first time I have ever been able to do this stretch properly!!!
My husband this week told me everytime he cuddles me I feel skinnier – love that man!

Back to enjoying class again, well as much as one can!! Back into a bit of boxing this week which I love, and then off to the park on saturday for something a bit different a class I really enjoyed, I quite like seeing how strong I am becoming and have noticed recently I have pretty decent muscles in my arms, I feel them now when I bend my arms and they are well there when I flex, but sadly there is still far too much fat covering them!!
Wednesdays class was pretty good we paired off for boxing which was great and the only thing I could not do was skip, because I am fat sure, but also because I simply have no coordination, I was that kid at school that could barely skip, could never do tricks with a skipping rope, french skipping I was crap at, I have never in my life done a handstand or a cartwheel, nor was I able to spin myself around the bar hanging upside down like all the other kids could do, I am simply not built to do those things, I have always been jealous of those able to cartwheel with ease!!!

After all that we went for a walk up the big hill, well some ran, some walked, but I got to the top and my calves were okay, usually I am in agony, but not this time, I did it okay!!The wednesday before we had to spend 30 mins running up and down the little hill as many times as we could, most did 12, I did 7 – might have looked like a small ammount compared to the others but I went up and down that hill 7 times!! That is huge, that is something I never dreamed when I started these classes I would ever be able to do, I was so proud of myself not that long ago for doing it 3 times!!!

I bought a dress this week for my cousins 21st, yep a dress and would you believe it, heels!! I don’t wear heels, I jsut cannot where them I will put them on then take them off 30 mins later, which of course was my plan this time, however I have discovered that I have calf muscles and these enable you to walk relatively comfortably in heels, obviously something to do with the way you hold yourself, but I spent all night not only comfortable in heels but comfortable in a dress as well!!!

And on a side note loren (my cousin) looked amazing, she has done about 8 weeks of classes with me and you can really tell, she has lost 3 kilos, but not only that her whole body has changed shape, her dress looked incredible, super proud of her!!

We spent the weekend up in whangarei for the 21st and stayed with a dear friend of mine, she said to me that she had been looking at some of our old camping photos and was suprised at how much I had changed, so I went and had a look, sometimes I think I have not done that well, even though I work hard, the weight loss has not been enormous, 14.4 kilos now, but the changes are actually quite large when I look at old photos, so here are a few comparisons, I am feeling a little proud now

I am really struggling with my exercise lately, I still like it but mike has stepped it up a notch or two, which is fine, but I am just not sure if I am ready, he has started us running which is cool I actually don’t mind it and would love to be able to run again, but for the first time since I started exercising I am having issues, my lower back is in constant pain and my knees are starting to hurt, I figured at some stage I was going to get some type of injury from exercising, at the end of the day it is a lot of weight to expect my joints to carry around.

It really concerns me that if I injure myself I am screwed, these classes work for me and without them I am not sure what i would do. My knees are hurting to just to walk on now and that is a concern, I am also having massive issues with my foot, the arch of my left foot is killing me it feels like a constant cramp but it is not cramp – so I am off to the doc this week to see if I can get a referral to see someone about it.

I missed saturdays class as I was really sick fri night and all of saturday with a nasty tummy bug and am still struggling with it today, after watching the video I was glad I missed it, it involved burpees and lots of other horrible things that I struggle to do. I hate these exercises, not because they are hard, they are hard at any weight, I hate them because my weight puts me at a distinct disadvantage, it wouldn’t matter how fit I was my size stops me being able to do them without looking and feeling like a dick.

I hate that I struggle to do these I hate that I struggle to get down on the floor to get up off the floor, a seemingly simple thing like bending at the waist and walking my hands out is so, so hard, bending at the waist is a mission, let alone the rest. So when I see these exercises written on the board it actually makes me want to cry, it makes me want to get up and walk out. I don’t. but sometimes I really want to. And I hate these days as they make me hate the class I mostly enjoy. So am I glad I got a tummy bug and missed out on saturday, hell yes I am, but I have no doubt I will make up for it during the week

I figure I probably should post about this mornings workout, today we had to do another run, he tried to make us go twice but I faked injury so I could stop lol!!!

The circuit he makes us do I believe is 2.4 kms, but it starts with an uphill, not a little uphill but a massive uphill, by the time I reach the top my calves are screaming, they hurt so much I just want to sit down and let them recover, and this I would do if bloody mike wasn’t on my back, today he decided it would be a good idea to run with us, and of course because I am the slowest I got stuck with him! Which to be honest wasn’t actually a bad thing, he made me run, in places I would never had, had I been doing it alone, run is probably pushing it a bit far, it was definitely more of a wog!!

He told me if I did it without getting lapped by the really good runners, that he wouldn’t make me do the circuit again, so on the last 100metres or so , he told me the others were behind me and about to lap me, well no way in hell was doing the whole thing again, so I kept going right to the end, turns out he was full of shit, the others were nowhere in sight!!

What I find fustrating about this whole thing, is it is not my cardio fitness that lets me down, don’t get me wrong I get puffed but I can handle that, it is no longer the wheezing, feel like I will not be able to take another breath puffed, it is just breathing pretty heavy lol.

It is my body, my calves kill me, my foot is in agony, it is like having a continuous cramp, and I am so heavy, so when I do run, it hurts my knees, it hurts my back and it pisses me off that my body lets me down, my fitness is getting up there, I just need to get the weight down so my body will catch up.

We had coffee after class today which was lovely, sandi, one of the awesome girls in my class was showing me her fitbit bracelet, which logs all your exercise then transfers it to an app on your phone and onto my fitness pal. I have been tracking my eating with my fitness pal this week which is awesome, and think I will go get myself one of these fitbits, it is good to see everything in black and white and have all your exercise and food in front of you so you can see exactly where you are.

Oh and I was just kidding, I didn’t fake an injury but it is definitely something I will keep in mind if he makes me do burpees again

Today my post is not about exercise, though we did have an awesome session this morning, running again!! I will get there one day without too much pain I am sure!

Today my post is about death. On thursday this week another of my sons friends took his own life, this breaks my heart, I will never understand how someone so young with so much ahead of them can choose death as an option, death should never be an option, it should never be a choice it should be something you fight hard against. I admire my father who has terminal cancer at 73 years old who fights every day to stay on this earth, who is given no choice, but refuses to give up and let it beat him. And then in the space of only a few months two young people opt out of this world.
You know I understand a little with teenage suicide, I remember being a teen, the emotions, the anxiety, how every little thing becomes huge and drama filled, when you don’t know where you fit in, how your life is going to turn out, who your true friends are, but when you hit your 20’s and you earn money, you party, you have great friends, you travel, you buy a house, you get engaged, you start having families, it is the start of everything, so much to look forward to, and it makes me so sad that these young adults will never get married, have families, travel the world, that their parents have to live with the fact their child no longer wants to be on this earth, the child you raised and loved and put everything into, that they will never have grandchildren, attending their weddings, or anymore birthdays, that they have a massive hole in their hearts that will never be filled.

That their friends have to deal with the grief of losing someone close at such a young age, the confusion, the hurt, the hearbreak of knowing you will never see them again. I consider myself very blessed, I have never lost a friend, in fact the only people in my life whose funerals I have attended have been my grandparents, that is the natural order of this world and that is the way it should always be. I hope that this coming so close to the death of Danielle doesn’t break any of them, that they all continue to stick together and support each as they have always done. I am eternally grateful every day that all my children are okay and long may they continue to be and to all the parents out their who have lost children, my heart goes out to you

So it has been a rather hectic couple of months! I feel like all I have done is party, every, single weekend, now don’t get me wrong I am not complaining but I think I need a weekend off,  alas there is still something on every weekend for the next four!! This is not helping my weight loss as I tend to lose all willpower after my 3rd drink and up to that 3rd drink I have very little to start with.

But hey, a mans gotta do, what a mans gotta do!! I started a new job last week I am now doing all the cakes in a new bakery which is fantastic, amazing food, best of everything when it comes to ingredients, organic this, free range that, not a gram of white sugar in sight, we even churn our own organic butter, I kid you not! Loving working there, the people are awesome, it is a really nice little family business. It does however come with its downsides – concrete freakin floors, I forgot for a small space of time the agony these cause me, the first two days I wore sneakers, by the end of the second day, my feet were so sore I couldn’t even rest them on the ground without causing pain, so back out came my beautiful crocs, and I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone says about crocs, they save my feet, nothing works like they do with their beautiful rubber, cushiony goodness!!

The other issue of course when you are this size is just the general pain of standing, for long periods of time, and I mean all day as we do not stop, it is a lot weight for my poor legs and feet to hold up and by the end of the day my legs are aching to the point where it doesn’t matter how you sit or lie you just can’t get comfortable. So, as I can no longer go to my wednesday morning class, mike thought it would be a fantastic idea to come on wednesday night. Well fuck that I say!! Tonight I went, cause I simply do not have the balls to say no to him, and wow, just wow! My feet and legs were already very sore, but it was okay because we were doing boxing tonight, I love boxing!! And I enjoyed the boxing what I didn’t enjoy was all the stupid fuckin exercises in between!

I’m good with crunchies, hell I will even suffer through squat pulses, leg raises and at a push planking, but fuckin burpees and push ups, hell no, that is where I draw the line. I cannot do a god damn burpee, I am fat, I cannot bounce down and kick my legs out, fuck, it is hard enough to get up off the ground from sitting letting alone a fuckin burpee. I imagine it is similar to watching a hippo lower themselves into the water then drag themselves back out again, I FUCKIN HATE BURPEES!!!

Burpees however were simply not enough torture, we then had to do push ups, now push ups are not easy in the first place, I do them on my knees because I simply do not have the strength to do more than one on my toes, but jesus that is 136 kilos my poor arms and wrists are trying to lift, sure it is better than the original almost 150 but it is still a shitload of weight, my arms are sore, my wrists are killing me and I think from now on I am going to boycott all body weight exercises until my body weight is a lot less.

So I finish tonight with legs that feel like jelly and wrists that are glad I have the day off work tomorrow, I finish with the determination that these poxy ass exercises he makes me do will not get the better of me and hopefully soon, there will be nowhere near as much weight to lift

Over the weekend I drunk far too much! Ate too much and had a fantastic time !!! Weigh in today was a kilo up – ooops!! But we are back into it now more cardio this block which is good, just what I need!

I have been reminded how shit being fat over summer is, winter lulls you into a false sense of security you can wear clothes that look ok you can cover up, you don’t sweat or get ridiculously hot,  in fact winter is pretty tolerable as a fat person.  Over the weekend I developed a bit of a rash under my stomach and I was very quickly reminded that summer will bring so much more!! It hurts, it is horrible and I don’t want to have to tolerate that again this summer I want to be able to wear clothes that allow me to cool down, I want to not have to carry rash cream with me every where I go, I would love to not have to carry heartburn medication around as well – only getting smaller will fix these things. So I have got this, I am on it, time for some seriously hard work and good eating.

Doing this is a little like giving up smoking (which I have also done) you have to do it when your ready, not when everyone tells us to, we are going to slip up, we are going to still eat bad sometimes, we will also drink too much and slip back into old habits, but you know what as long as we keep going that is okay, I for one am not going to beat myself up, it is a very long road I and others like me have chosen to start on.

Please do not judge our food choices, do not tell us we shouldn’t be eating that, just let us do it in our own time in our own way, it is our journey not yours, you can not lead the way or try and drag us down your path – the only person who can do that for me is mike, because I pay him to be my conscience, I pay him to tell me off, show me what to do and push me further. No one else’s input will be listened too!!

One of the girls in our shape shift class takes a zumba class, so because we had no class this week, a friend and I went along to try it out!!! Wow!! I had no idea that hips could even do those kind of movements – well mine can’t but jesus sylwia’s can. I am one of the most unco people you are ever likely to met, I cannot dance, I have absolutely no rythym whatsoever, unless I am drunk, when I am drunk I think I am john freakin travolta!!!
So I lumbered around the hall, attempting in vain to follow what she was doing, which was damn near impossible, her moves looked amazing, coordinated and sexy, mine were nothing of the kind, and jesus it was hard, 30 mins down we looked at the clock and thought fuck we still have a half hour to go!! We were tired, thirsty, sweaty and confused!!!

What a workout though, I don’t think there was a single part of my body that did not get a workout, and seriously sylwia is amazing if you get the chance head to the hobsonville primary hall on a mon or wed night at 7.30.

So today I nurse a very sore knee and a very sore shoulder, I don’t think my body is quite up to the twisting and turning of zumba yet but it was a lot of fun and I imagine after a few times and learning the moves it would get a lot easier !!!

So today marked the end of another shape shift block, it was 7 weeks this time, but 5 for me as I did miss the first two!! So when I started shape shift I weighed 142.7 kilos, at the start of this block I weighed 140.6 kilos, today I weighed in at 135.5 so I am pretty pleased with myself, I am very, very pleased that I hit the 1.5 kilo target given to us by mike as those who didn’t he took in his car and dropped them off 4 kms away, they had to run back carrying a slam ball, I will ensure I never miss one of his targets!!

I am a little nervous however about next week , we have a week off, no class at all, till the next block starts, now last time I looked forward to the break, in fact I counted down till the break, but this time I am not so happy about it, without mikes classes I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do as nothing I do myself pushes me as far as he pushes me and I know it is only a week but I know how easy it is to fall back into old habits and how hard it is to get back on track, so I guess this week will be all about making myself do something and not be a lazy ass!!

Now because I did so well I decided to treat myself after class and I went to the chocolate shop and I bought a white chocolate mocha and I am sitting here sipping it slowly hoping it will last for ever, for those of you who have never tried one, you need to, you need to go to dangerous chocolate in te atatu south and you need to try one. The only way I can begin to describe this little cup of heaven is it is like drinking an orgasm!!!

4 years ago I sat with a dear friend drinking vodka as she mourned the loss of her husband who was killed whilst at work, this week I sat with her again drinking vodka whilst she mourned the loss of her father, who died suddenly after a routine operation. I love this women, she is pretty damn awesome and we have a lot of fun together, but she has been through a lot, her children have now lost the two most important men in their lives and it breaks my heart that she and her family has to go through this heartache all over again. Sometimes life is truly unfair and it always seems to happen to the good ones unfortunately!!

So of course the last two days have been really bad for me, I missed wed class as I was up north with her and we drunk alcohol and we ate lollies and chips and dip and mcdonalds cheeseburgers and today my stomach is killing me I am paying for eating food that I have not eaten for a while and I deserve to pay for it, apart from feeling sick I feel a bit pissed off that I let myself be that person I used to be even if it was for only 2 days, I will be highly pissed off if it shows on the scales on saturday my final weigh in for the end of this lot of shape shift, so today I am detoxing and fingers crossed it will all be good!!