my journey to health

So on friday night a very dear friend of my sons hung herself, 23 years old, what could possibly be that bad at 23 years old? She was such a beautiful girl, the last conversation I had with her was me convincing her to marry my son one day, who would have thought she would never get old enough to marry anyone??

And the effect it has had on all of her friends is just heartbreaking, they are devastated, speaking to my son on skype whilst he cried his heart out was horrible, he is currently winging his way home from canada to bury his friend, noone at that age should have to do that, none of them should have to deal with the death of a friend let alone a friend taking their own life.

My son is very lucky, he has such an incredible bunch of friends, most of them met at high school and they have been friends ever since, they hug each other, they tell each other they love each other, girlfriends have learned that though they may hold a special place, they simply cannot compete with the friendship the “boys” have. Amongst this tight group of boys are four girls, they are part of the group, they hang out with the boys, they drink with the boys, they hold special places in their hearts, and now that foursome is down to a threesome and none of them really know how to deal with it.

Two of them stopped in here today after the hospital, they were with Danielle as she finally passed on and the haunted look on their faces was just awful, I am so gutted for them all and have shed many a tear over the last two days. I cannot understand how her parents must be feeling I simply cannot fathom having to bury a child.

My boy is home on wednesday morning, and his boys are picking him up, I am glad they are his first port of call and hope that together they can help each other get through this tragedy

RIP Danielle you were a beautiful wee soul

Like really, seriously hate it! Today at shape shift he made us do cardio, running up the hill, I hate that hill with an incredible passion, I reckon the sadistic bastard bought a house at the bottom of a hill just to make us suffer – and who the hell runs up hills, seriously??

To be fair I don’t know if you could call what I did running, I kind of lumbered then fast walked, then slow walked, then dawdled to the top, but I did go fast on the way back down. then. then, he made us to it again!! My calves were killing me, I could barely breath but I did it, the others did it three times but he only made me do it twice, I could have kissed him for that!!

We then did bikes and squats and sit ups and small runs and then he made us go back up the hill carrying a 10 kilo kettlebell ffs.

And you know what I hated every minute of it, not once during it did I think hey this is not so bad, not once! I usually do but this was everything I hate about exercise. Most of the hill time I was thinking bugger this I am not coming back here again – but I know that I will never get there if I just do weights, the thing I love the most, I know I have to do this but good god I wish I didn’t!!

I now have 3 weeks to lose just over 2 kilos, stupid me told vannessa, she now has me doing exercises at home and crossfit tomorrow, though depending on how my legs feel tomorrow I may have to flag that, they are pretty sore already.
As mean as she is to me it is good having her, shes got my back and is determined to make sure I meet that goal!!

So I have actually really enjoyed the wee bit of boxing I have done so when  a bag came up nice and cheap I grabbed it, slowly building up my exercise equipment!

Today we did a boxing and spin class which was awesome and I dragged my mother along, now those of you whom know me know my mother and I have an interesting relationship, we really don’t have a lot in common, she is an exercise freak always has been and really struggles with how fat I am, she doesn’t understand it cause all you need to do it some exercise, which is a fair call but not to the person hearing it.
I have a cousin who has the unfortunate genes I do and her mother is a lot like mine, I hear the things she says to her daughter and it makes me cringe as it is the same stuff my mother always said to me, they think they are helping, they really do and I get that, however they have no idea how it makes us feel when it is said to us, constantly being told you are putting on weight, you need to exercise etc it gets tiring, it gets old, we know it, we really do, sometimes it would be nice to just have some support.

To be fair to my mother she tried, she used to take me to the gym with her and she always fed us well, but I have bad genes there is a reason every single woman in my birth family is overweight! There is a reason that growing up with my mother who raised us to exercise and do sport I got fat, my birth mother whom I did not meet until my 30’s is fat, nature vs nurture right there!! It is not an excuse at all, but it is an explanation, some people struggle to lose weight and put it on at the drop of a hat, I just happen to be one of those, then you have people who eat whatever the hell they like, barely put weight on and when they do lose it easily, the two of us can never understand each other because it is impossible until you have lived in each others shoes.

So anyway I dragged my mum along this morning, because for the first time in our lives we have something in common, we can exercise together!! She is proud of me for doing it and it was nice to have her there, to do something with her, so hey this exercise thing is positive in a whole lot of ways!!

Now to fill the base of my boxing bag and put my husbands face on it

So my doctor has now reffered me for weight loss surgery, I am still in two minds as I don’t really know if i want to do it, I am loving the exercise, I love mikes classes I am even doing an extra one tomorrow. I know who is this person you may ask!!

But I still do not have my eating under control and I don’t know if I ever will, I can go for weeks eating well, enjoying eating well and then boom, out of the blue I go and buy a bag of chips and some dips and I sit down and I eat the whole lot, which makes me want more, then the next day I feel like ass, so I eat bad again, it is freakin madness and it takes a lot of will power to stop this downward spiral of destruction.

Luckily for me I have this willpower it just doesn’t work for me all the time, if it did I wouldn’t be this fat!!

Anyway a bit about my doctor, he used to be a huge man, he lost 100 odd kilos and he is just awesome, he gets it, he fully understands, he gets everything I say and sometimes I don’t even need to say it, he just gets it. For this I am eternally grateful, there is nothing worse than a doctor who doesn’t understand, who just doesn’t get the weight issue.

We have talked about surgery time and time again, I think I finally feel ready to explore it, I think I am in the right frame of mind to have it not as a quick fix like I used to think of it but as something to fix what is wrong with me and that is my eating! I exercise I am healthy but the food is a serious issue and I need help with it.

I am still not 100% convinced and the thought scares the shit out of me, but I have had the blood tests and doc has put the referral in, it won’t happen for quite some time, even if it does happen so I may never have to make the decision and then again I may, in the meantime I will research what I can, put my mind at ease and leave it in the hands of fate

So I went and met the new trainer who was absolutely lovely, I really, really liked her, however a bit of a change in circumstances mean’t I could not afford her, which is a real shame as I think we would have clicked wonderfully together.

But it is okay because at the same time my girlfriend jeannie introduced me to shape shift, which is a pretty awesome class run by mike out of his garage. I think I am a little in love with him, he runs the classes with only 6 people our first two only had 3 and 4, so it is like having a personal trainer, but without the price ticket. The first day he spent about an hour after class talking to us about all sorts of things. There is just something about him I really like. I like the fact he pushes me just as hard as everyone else, just because I am twice their size he gives no allowances, though he does let me walk when they run thank god!!
I am loving his classes, they are different each week and they are hard, really hard, they push me right to the limit, last week I could not straighten my arms for two days!!
I love that he really seems to care, he takes time after every class to talk to us and I feel really good and comfortable not only with him but with the girls in the class, they are all lovely, so long may my relationship with this man continue!!

Eeek tomorrow morning I am off to meet a new trainer, my motivation is long gone, long, long gone I am eating at night again, which pisses me off cause it took me a long time to kick that habit, so I am going to someone new I have asked to help with eating to so fingers crossed she can help me all round not just with exercise – watch this space.

To be completely honest I have sat here most of the night coming up with an excuse to not go in the morning, but I will, cause I need to, it is so much easier to be fat and carry on the way I am, it is so much harder to change but I will do it, I will go – see how hard I am trying to convince myself!!!!

I am falling back into old habits, my eating is going down hill, my calf muscle is stopping me doing cardio and I am finding myself back to where I started.
Hell I even find myself considering weight loss surgery – fuck I do not want to do that – ever!!!!
People hassling me about going to the gym is not helping, i can’t be assed, I am bored, I am over it, I want to do my jogging I liked that I was getting somewhere, now I can’t arrrrgggghhhhh so fustrating!
Enjoying circuit class, it is different and kind of fun and a cool way to meet people.
I don’t know, I really don’t I feel sometimes like I am getting nowhere that I have put in loads of hard work and nothing. My eating is something I think I will always struggle with I need reality not tiny meals that make me hungrier, food that is tasty that is nice, not skinless chicken breast on tasteless vegetables, I need someone to teach me how to eat properly and healthily.

On a good note I am doing the relay for life this weekend, walking laps for 18 hours with only 11 of us – should do my cardio for the next month lol!!

I had a friend tell me the other day that her daughter commented that I must be cheating and I can’t be doing the exercise I say I am because I am still fat – and although it is true and I do appreciate honesty it kind of gutted me, yeah I have cheated, yeah I have been slack sometimes but 8 kilos, 8 kilos lost is better than the 10 I would have put on. I know people can’t see any difference and can’t believe I am doing what I am, but I am.

I wish people understood how destructive their comments can be, it wasn’t nasty, it wasn’t mean it was said in context of a conversation and I am not upset at the comment just that people still see me as that fat girl, not that fat girl who is doing everything she can to not longer be her

It is hard for those that have never been truly fat to understand what it is like, sure we have all had our battles with weight  and I commend anyone who has lost heaps and changed their lives, I get it a lot where people comment on my health and my weight together – I love you just the way you are but your health concerns me. Come on get fuckin real, my health does not concern you, I have no health issues why would my good health concern you?? You comment because I am fat and you cannot grasp how I got that fat, how I allowed that to happen to myself, why I won’t try eating better or exercising, your concern for my health is simply you not understanding .

I can’t explain it to you because unless you have had eating issues or a body that piles on weight ridiculously easy you just could never get it.

Exercising when obesely fat is hard, it is so god damn hard, every part of my body wiggles, my stomach hits my thighs as I run, skip, jump, you name it. Dont say to me come on you can do it, you have no clue wether I can do it or not, strap another 70 kilos to your body then tell me you can run that extra 10 metres or climb those extra few steps, try doing a squat, a lunge, a sit up with all this fat in between the bits that are supposed to bend, it is damn near impossible sometimes. It is not always my will that won’t let me do it, sometimes it is just beyond my physical capabilities, my body gets in the way!!

Don’t get me wrong I appreciate those that encourage me and help me, I really do, but I am not like you, I am nothing like you, I cannot do a burpee, not cause I don’t want to cause I just cannot, I cannot do mountain climbers, I struggle to plank – you hold 140 kilos on your elbow and toes and tell me you can do another 10 secs!!!

I want to do yoga, Oh god I really want to do yoga, i have done some but you know what I can’t cross my legs, I can’t get into the simplest of positions cause the fat surrounding my body just wont let me, I will get there, one day I truly will, but please understand sometimes I just can’t.

There are so many things slimmer people just take for granted and why wouldn’t they. I have to be careful when I go out to eat that it is at a cafe that has substantial chairs, I cannot sit in chairs with arms because my ass will not fit in them, I cannot sit in flimsy chairs because it is a massive fear that one will collapse underneath me and everyone will look at the fat girl that broke the chair.

I cannot fly because I cannot fit in an aeroplane seat. I cannot tie my own shoelaces, I struggle to put socks on, it is a mission of manouverability to manage it. I have to worry about travelling in cars as 8 times out of 10 the seatbelt will not do up around me.

I often put off going out with friends because I have nothing to wear, nothing!! I barely fit the biggest size in shops, people often say oooh you should shop at city chic they have awesome clothes, trust me if I could, I would, I can’t they do not fit me. There is a reason I sloth around, in tights and trackies, it is because I cannot find nice pants or tops to fit me and when I do I wear them till they fall apart.

The worst is exercising I have no exercise clothes bar tights and a tshirt because I can’t by any anywhere, I cannot buy a sports bra to stop my boobs knocking me out. I have had a couple of friends comment that I need new bras, I know that, trust me I know, but I don’t have the ridiculous ammounts of money needed to buy one. The only underwear I own are the warehouse enormous bloomers that we all laugh about, they are the only ones that fit me.

Anyway I just wanted to give you a bit of an insight into being really fat, we don’t live like this cause we like it, we live like this because it is so hard to change it, it takes such incredible will power and it takes such a long time it is easy to quit and just carry on like we are

Today I purchased some 5 kilo dumbells, which probably doesn’t seem like much, but 6 months ago I was struggling with 1 kilo dumbells so things like this just show me how far I have come!!!
So the weight is not falling off like I wanted but I am resigned to it taking forever, I still eat, what I want, within reason of course, I have definitely changed my eating habits for the better.
I am enjoying exercise now though and I don’t need to do it all the time, I don’t force myself I do it when I feel like it which luckily is reasonable often.
I find I get bored easily so this week I changed it up and did a circuit class!! Jesus fuckin christ I hurt in places I didn’t even know had muscles!!!!
At this class I discovered TRX straps, awesome!!! You basically use your body weight for exercises with these straps, I bought some and am really looking forward to them arriving, I know hubby will use them too!
So all is good in my world I have found my happy place for now, lets hope I stay there for a while

Oh I forgot to add, I tore my calf muscle, it gave me a good week off exercise, but you know what I missed it, weird I know, I don’t even recognise this person I am anymore, but yep I missed it hence the circuit class, and I was okay, it hurt a little but all was good!!