my journey to health

Today I cried, why?? Cause I am so fuckin sick of being fat, so fuckin sick of it, it has never particularly bothered me this much before, it is uncomfortable, the heat is killing me, I work in a kitchen so I sweat like a bushpig which then gives me rashes and bad rashes that hurt like a mofo, every part of me where skin rubs skin fuckin hurts and it smells  and I feel horrible!
I don’t give a crap if I am skinny, that has never bothered me I just want to wear clothes that I feel comfortable in, to not have to choose particular knickers on the morning of a hot day in case they rub in the wrong place, I want to wear tops that I don’t have to keep checking if they are covering my stomach.
I want to buy a fuckin bra, just walk into a shop and buy a bra that fits me, that supports me, that doesn’t rub or look like  it belongs to my nana.

I am fitter, so much fitter but that is it, when the fuck is the fat going to go?? Seriously it is doing my head and the thought of surgery which is something I have never really wanted to do is right there at the front of my mind all of a sudden, right there!!!

I apologise for my foul language

So I have been struggling a bit lately, I started working and that took away my gym time, it leaves me with literally an hour each day to get my ass there, as you can imagine, the slightest thing goes wrong, kids sick, work late, you name it, I cannot go. I did sneak in at 5.30 one morning even though I was not supposed to, that was okay but getting up an hour earlier, not so easy!!

I still struggle with my eating and have really just not had the motivation to eat properly, it has really gotten me down, I even spoke to the doctor about a gastric bypass even though I really don’t want one, I just hit the stage of having had enough!! My doctor god bless him obviously reads me well, he suggested it to me a long time ago, in fact tried to talk me into it, this time he wasn’t interested in hearing about it, obviously guessed I was at a down stage and just needed to move my ass.

I left the doctors in tears thinking fuck, I am going to have to be on this path and have this struggle for the rest of my life, why can it not be easier I JUST WANT IT TO BE EASY!!!

Today I was back at the gym, really enjoyed it, I like doing it, I feel good when I do it, then I found out something I did not want to find out when I got home and when I went to the supermarket to get dinner I grabbed a bag of chips, why the fuck do I always turn to food aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Anyway I figure it took me 10 bloody years to get this fat, it will probably take me that long to lose it – the food struggle is something only those who feel the same will ever understand it is a never ending struggle