my journey to health

Today I take back the apology about swearing!! Today I wanted to actually punch him!! Why?? Because today we took too long going up the hill and the fucker made us do burpees not one burpee not 10 burpees 30 fuckin burpees!!! Now those of you who are also fat will understand why I wanted to knock him out. It is almost impossible to do a burpee at this size, my burpees consisted of  me bending down and walking my feet backwards it was hard and uncomfortable and I hated it, and he made me do every last one of them!!

So today  my post is not upbeat or positive or  happy about how well I am doing, today  I dislike my trainer and I really, really hate burpees

A week of pain that is!! Jesus I don’t think there has been a day i have not hurt this week, it started with mondays class which consisted of this

100 jumping jacks

50 crunches

20 tricep dips

15 squats

20 lunges (each leg)

20 calf raises

5 push ups

30 sec plank

run the hill

It was hard, bloody hard, I managed it almost three times, I missed the last plank and push ups but he still made me do the hill!! The next day everything and I mean everything hurt there were muscles in places I didn’t even know had muscles that hurt. The jumping jacks were the killers, The first 50 I managed in sets of 10 the last 50 sets of 5 and fuck they hurt, the other girls managed to do it 4 times, there is no way I could have!!!

Wednesday we did boxing thank god, I love boxing its not really like doing a workout it goes so quickly! Oh then he made us lunge up that hill, yep sore legs again thursday. Then friday I met ness at the stadium to run the track, now the most I have ever run is a straight and a curve so basically 200m, well I managed the whole track this time, then we walked half and ran another 100m I was very stoked with myself, massive achievement considering when I started this journey I couldn’t even run 100m.
I would like to just stop for a minute and thank vannessa, I know I have said it before but she is so awesome, she is such an encouragement, she has stuck by me through this whole thing, tolerated my slowness at the gym, jogged and walked with me slowly round that track when she can do 3 x as much as I can, she has stuck with me in classes so I am not the last person to finish and she pushes me when I need pushing, it is really nice to have someone who always has your back no matter how lazy you are being!!

Anyhow saturdays class, jesus  that was hideous we did it in pairs and one had to jog the driveway whilst the other did the exercise then swap over until we had done 100 of each exercise. Poor sandy got teamed up with me, and god bless her for doing extra leg raises and caterpillars to save me having to do them!! Today my arms and shoulders are in agony, I hope they calm down before class tomorrow because the thought of exercising again is not pleasant. I also had to apologise to mike as I did swear at him yesturday, usually I manage to keep it in my head or say it under my breath or even hang him the fingers inside my boxing gloves but yesturday those caterpillars earned him a fuck you!! And I felt really bad about it enough so I had to apologise after the fact, though apparently I am not the first, nor will I be the last!

I freakin love my shape shift girls they are so awesome, I love that we have a good laugh, that we enjoy our classes together and each others company, I love that the classes are small enough we all get to know each other and you not just a faceless person in a crowd of 30 others at the gym. Mike put this on his page today and I could not agree with him more, the atmosphere is awesome, the people are awesome

one thing you will notice about the classes I take and the woman that do them , this is not a gym as such where you have to look your best, you wont see any woman here with fancy gears and no ideas , their is nobody here that you have to impress, their are no mirrors , their are no fancy posters , their are no attitudes, what we do have is a great bunch of ladies that support each other in their training , we laugh we cry , we work out , we have fun . I am here to guide you and push you where need be and your support network are the ladies in your group to tell you, …. YOU CAN DO IT.

And just to end with I weighed myself at the gym on friday another 3 kilos down!!!!

So have noticed quite a bit of improvement lately, things I couldn’t do before that suddenly I can now – the first, I went to the gym with friends last week and there is this machine thingy, no idea what it is called but you stand up on it with your arms at right angles, brace yourself with your arms then lift your feet off and pull your knees up, so your arms are holding all your weight. Well my friend ness throws herself around on it and I tried it once, laughed and laughed cause I couldn’t even take my own weight I literally could not take my feet of the bar and hang. So the other day I thought what the hell, I’m up for a laugh, so I tried it again, Well what do you know I took my feet off and I hung there, sweet as!!! Then ness told me to pull my knees up, again we laughed thinking hell no way can I do that – 5 times, 5 fuckin times I pulled my knees up and back down again whilst hanging there, I was so stoked I went back later and did it again just in case the first time was a fluke lol.

So in class he makes us do leg raises, now leg raises hurt, they mainly hurt my back and I hate them, to start with I could do one, barely, then if I did them fast I could rock out 5, the other day we did them and I did 10 in a row, nice and slowly, freakin stoked, and same with sit ups, I could only do a couple with my legs in the air and thank god mike lets me cheat and do them with my feet down, but the other day I managed two sets with my legs up and about 5 sets in managed almost a whole nother set. So I am getting, better, stronger and fitter, it is so good to see progress!!!

Last week I was sick, so blimmin sick, everything hurt, at one stage lying down was agony as my hips and legs were so sore, I was pretty damn pleased mike was away and there was no class, but on monday for some messed up reason I cannot explain, I went to class, I was really sick, my chest was really sore, breathing was not a simple task, but I went, I felt dizzy and everything was aching, I felt like I had smoked 100 cigarettes and couldn’t catch my breath, and I made it about 2/3 of the way through class before he told me to just sit on the bike!!! And I was glad he did, especially the next day when I was sore, to think I could have been even sorer! So this class has become such a habit, such a normal part of life I go regardless. I find myself telling people I can’t do things as I have class, whereas before i would have thought up reasons not to go to class so I could do other things!!

I am part of a group on facebook and I read peoples posts sometimes and it makes me really sad, people getting upset because they haven’t lost this week, people complaining that they only lost 900g, people weighing themselves every single day. I hate this. I hate the emphasis on weight, i just want to scream at them and say weigh yourself once a month, not every day, not every week, there is bound to be disappointment if you weigh yourself that often, hell I used to do that, and when you work hard and diet hard and then lose only 200g or put on 200g it deflates you and you think fuck that, why?? All that effort for that! And you just give up, only to start the same cycle again in a month or two. I am so glad I got out of that phase, I am so glad that weight holds very little importance in my life now, I love that I measure my achievements by the exercise I am now capable of doing or the way my clothes fit and if a few kilos happened to have dropped that is just a bonus.
I hate that some trainers and nutritionists and diet folk, put so much emphasis on the scales. I get there needs to be a measure of success but I wish they would do it by measurements rather than weight. When I joined the gym, I was told he didn’t care how much weight I lost as long as over time, my weight went downwards not upwards, I was stoked, finally someone who didn’t expect you to lose a certain ammount per week.

Now this 6 weeks mike has set us a goal, 1.5 kilos, you know what I am good with that, that is not a big ask, it is not an impossible goal it is a realistic achievable goal – and I think every woman so far has hit it already!!

Today I am grateful that I am able to still straighten my arms after the mean arm workout yesturday – love doing weights, and I am highly amused that poor cousin loren can barely move hers!!

Yeah I know it doesn’t sound too good lol, but wow I hurt from mondays class!! Took my awesome cousin who is also rather sore, I don’t know why I decided it would be a good idea to go to the gym after class and do arms, but we did and they are also sore, had the day off today as mike is away and I have to say I was kind of grateful so am about to do a bit of boxing at home.
Today I also started tumehe’s meal plan, as I am so crap at doing it myself, thought I would try someone elses, jeez it is a lot of food, 4 eggs on toast for breakfast 145g ham with a pita bread and salad for lunch, don’t think I will be going hungry and he seems to have good results so will see how it goes.

I would also like to mention the awesome lisa who came to class a while ago, she has not been back due to other commitments but we have kept in touch and she is 10 kilos down, freakin awesome, keep it up lisa!!
Speaking of I am 5 kilos down from when I started with mike so in total 9 weeks, thats pretty damn good considering up till now I haven’t really done too much with my food, so figure what the hell lets see what will happen with food and exercise, it will be interesting to see my weight on the doctors scales, they seem to weigh me about 4 kilos less than other scales so it is hard to compare just yet.

So first day back on monday obviously on tuesday I was sore, sore arms, sore abs, sore legs from squats with that stupid fuckin slam ball!

Woke up this morning and I was still bloody sore, just riding the bike hurt, and when he made us do squats again I actually wanted to hurt him, then when he made us do them with that bloody ball again, I actually wanted to knock him out, I swear the man is better suited as a sadist than a personal trainer, though to be fair the two pretty much intermingle!!

Not content with that though, he then proceeded to of course to make us do abs, so I sit here writing this in a fair ammount of pain, my legs are killing me I feel like I have ridden a horse for two days solid and every time I breathe it hurts.

But this is nothing compared to what else he expects us to do – he wanted us to do a meal plan, a week worth of meals, planned ahead, seriously I plan nothing, like nothing, I buy my food for dinner on the way home from picking the kids up.  I made a plan, it kind of sucked and I really struggled to do it. First day of the plan today and I failed epically I ate completely different things than I wrote down, I think I may have to change my plan and put some more thought into it. Who would have thought something so simple would actually be so hard

Just spent an amazing two weeks in the south island, we flew into christchurch, which was a real eye opener, three years on and the earthquake damage is still enough to make you cry, boy that brought back some memories driving round that city, it has been 14 years since I left and it felt like just yesturday. I also had the opportunity to stay with a lovely family and have a few drinks and a bit of a laugh.
So the second night there we stayed in a hotel, with a gym of course, which sadly sucked a bit but I still used it, then the next morning got up nice and early and started doing couch to 5k, I jogged 60secs, walked 90 for 30 mins, did well, except my bloody feet, jeez they hurt a lot!!!
We then drove to alexandra where I spent my brothers 30th with him and the kids learned to ice skate, they loved it spent hours on the rink, which was amazing, it was outdoors and there was snow on the mountains behind, just gorgeous and I fell a little in love with that place!! My brother made us walk up the side of a bloody mountain to see a giant clock, it was a long way and steep and my first reaction, purely because it has always been my reaction was hell no, I am not going up there, it will kill me!!!
Well, I went up there and it didn’t kill me and sadly I enjoyed it!
We then went to dunedin to stay with friends who we really do adore and miss dreadfully since they moved from auckland! The first day there we went for a walk on the beach so I did my walk 90, jog 60 along the beach, holy shit I thought I was going to die, my calves were burning, my feet were killing me, who knew running on sand was that much harder lol!!
We had an amazing time in dunners did cadbury world, the art gallery all the touristy things, then moved on to invercargill to stay with even more awesome peeps, whilst there I was dragged along to a boxfit class, it was awesome, i loved it and the instructor was very impressed, it is funny people see fat and instantly think unfit, I showed her lol, she kept congratulating me on how fast I had picked it up lol, little did she know I had done it many times before!!!
We then came back to dunedin for a few nights, to celebrate hubbies birthday and just hang out, then off we went back to chch where I caught up with two more very dear friends!!
On the whole trip we had takeaways once, we ate very well and I exercised right up until the last few days and then it was amazing how quickly I got out of the habit!!! What i did notice was how many more things we did, we went out and did things, we didn’t just sit around and drink, before, doing things was a little hard the thought of walking around places just didn’t appeal, there is no way in hell I would have walked up that hill, I would have waited in the car for the others to come back. We parked further away from things, thought nothing of walking 10mins down the beach to see the moeraki boulders instead of parking up the top and walking down a few steps. I just had so much more energy and motivation and so did my hubby, we had such an amazing time together as a family and we really enjoyed each others company, we never had a honey moon and it was kind of like having one to be honest.
So I got back home and the days went by and I didn’t exercise and I didn’t feel like it and boom just like that old habits creeping in. But mike to the rescue, he got in touch and made me it easy for me to come back to class, god bless him and here I am with sore legs and abs and arms and I am feeling pretty good!!!
Every now and again, we just need to sit back and look at how awesome our lives are, I have an amazing family, a gorgeous husband whom I adore, true friends who have known me forever, through good and bad and still love me, I have a trainer who gives a shit and I am very blessed and very happy!!! Oh and hubby got a wicked promotion and a massive payrise, all is well in my world

On a side note – whilst we were away I discovered a lump on my shoulder, my bra kept rubbing on it and I was a little concerned about it till I discovered it was my collar bone lol!!! I don’t remember it disappearing but here it is back again, little things!!!!

Will be interesting to see how sore I am tomorrow but shit I am sore tonight, my back is killing me as are my hips.Today was a hard class, damn the italians for losing the soccer!! I had to wog up that hill again bloody hard this time, cause I was already buggered from the class, but I managed it – just!!

I have however found something I loathe more than squats yay!! The stupid ball thing I can’t remember what he calls it but it is heavy and you have to throw it down then squat and pick the bloody thing back up again!! It hurts, my legs, it hurts my back I really do not like it, it is almost like he spends his days scouring the internet looking for new torture devices!!

But there is an upside, I freakin love my class, I love the girls I go with, I love the way they encourage me and support me and each other, so stoked I found shape shift it is truly changing my life, bit by bit – Oh I must mention as well, I have shoulders!!! I don’t remember not having shoulders but all of a sudden they are there I can feel them, small steps!!

I would just like to take a moment to talk about a woman who I truly admire, who has really inspired me to do this in the first place, her name is kylie ann, when I met her about 5 years ago, she weighed around 190 kilos, she was doing optifast through the hospital and she used to walk a lot!! I used to look at her and think jesus how the hell do you do it, she was at that time about 70 kilos heavier than me and there is no way I could have done what she did, she used to walk 10 kms, pushing two children in a pushchair, she lost about 50 kilos from memory and then she plateaued and she struggled and she slowly started putting it back on, eventually she had bypass surgery and man did she use that opportunity given to her, she started training, she walked, she ran, she did classes, she discovered a whole new life, I was stoked for her, she looked incredible, then she had bowel surgery, after a whole pile of things going wrong she ended up with a massive hernia, I was shocked when I saw it, it was huge and she struggled to exercise with it, she slowly started putting on weight again. She still has the hernia she is fighting to have surgery which fingers crossed will be soon but she is still putting herself out there, still doing the exercises she is able to do  and still fighting to lose those extra kilos.

I love this woman, I love how hard she works, I love the effort she puts in to everything she does and one day I will catch up to her and stand alongside her, instead of us being the fatties in the photo we will be the hotties, this time will come.

So I had to take a few minutes out of my day to quickly write this – this morning we had a new addition to class, her name is lisa and she is pretty awesome, she is a big woman and this was the first time she had exercised, the reason this is so awesome? To do what she did today, to come to a class where she knew no one and was out of her comfort zone takes some serious balls. I wouldn’t have done it when I first started, I started with a personal trainer on my own, there is no way I would have stepped foot in a class with others!! So huge ups to her for doing something I was way too scared to do. And she did well, she did so well, it is really hard to take that first step, to put yourself out there, to ask for help, to let people see your weaknesses. It takes massive ammounts of courage and serious determination and god bless you mike for making it okay for women like us to exercise, for making us feel comfortable, for making us stronger and empowering us.

It was very interesting watching lisa struggle today because it made me realise how far I have come, I remember what it was like to feel like she did today, to feel and be physically ill, but I forget that I was like that not that long ago and it encourages me to keep going. On a side note, I love our classes, all the women there are amazing and friendly and supportive, I love being a part of it and I love that I feel so comfortable there.

I am not sure if I have put it on here before but these are the classes I go to if you are looking for an awesome trainer and an even awesomer bunch of women, come join us
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shape-Shift/490806197660894

Well there have been a couple of achievements this week!! At saturdays training, we had to run up the hill 3 times, I didn’t run up just walked as fast as I could but I did jog back down, and I did it three times, sure it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t exactly hard either – last time we had to do this three times, mike let me off with only twice as I just could not do it, saturday I did it!!!

Sunday I was convinced to go to the track, after running both straights and walking the curves, my ankles and calves were killing me so we ran the stairs to the gym where we did arms, ness taught me a new exercise for triceps, so we worked our little asses off and I was pretty sore come monday, when I got to class to discover we were doing arms including triceps, holy shit did I struggle my arms were in agony!! I came home and did my housework knowing I would not be able to move my arms the next day.

Next day arrives and I am only slightly achey across my back and triceps, WTF??? I kind of felt cheated, I expected the pain there was none, I wondered for a moment if I had done the exercise wrong, but I hadn’t, guess I am just getting good at this, well my muscles are getting used to it anyway!!!

Another wee achievement was, today mike showed me how to shuffle up the hill, it is not a walk, but it is not quite a jog it is just a slow shuffle, I did it all the way to the top and all the way back down, with mike at my side, I felt just a little proud, then the shit made me do these revolting straight leg sit ups, they were horrible, they were hard, and they hurt, will be interesting to see where that pain will be in the morning! Not only do I hate the hill but I have also discovered something I hate with almost as much passion – SQUATS I used to do squats they never really bothered me too much, but he makes us do them with weights, do them fast, do them slow, pulse, who the fuck pulses, seriously??? Today we added in going up on our toes, I don’t care how we do them, what little extras are thrown in, they have become my new nemesis!!

On the weekend I caught up with a bunch of girls I went to school with, now normally this is something I would have avoided, not because I don’t like them, I adore them, but because I didn’t want to be the fat girl, that girl that everyone said “ooh didn’t she get fat” about. I tend to avoid these situations because I just don’t feel comfortable, but this time I went and I had a ball, it was awesome seeing them, one of them I had not seen in 28 years and it was just like we were back at school!! So although my body has not changed that much, although I have not lost weight, this exercise thing has given me more confidence, confidence to just be who I am and be comfortable in my own skin.

I also this week booked tickets to christchurch, I usually avoid flying as my ass won’t fit in an aeroplane seat, but you know what bugger that, I left christchurch 14 years ago, and I have never been back, the last year there was one of the worst of my life, my husband had an affair and my house burned down, we lost pretty much everything we owned. So when I left there I put that part of my life behind me and I moved on. Well you know what, that was not fair, I had some amazing friends, people who supported me and helped me, people who gave me a roof over my head when I had none, people who cried with me, got drunk with me and eventually made me laugh again, and I just walked away without looking back. Now I am going to rectify that, I am going to catch up with old friends and new friends, I am going to spend my brothers 30th with him, we are going to travel to alexander, dunedin, invercargill and back to christchurch again and see some amazing people along the way.
As for the aeroplane, I am going to put my children either side of me and lift the seat arms up, I am going to look the air hostess in the eye when I ask for an extender belt. I am going to enjoy my holiday and I am not going to let my weight stop me doing anything again!!

So today I enrolled in a course, a course on human nutrition no less, I have this exercise thing down pat, I know what I need to do, I am doing it and as much as I loathe to say it, I am enjoying it, in fact it has become so normal that I don’t even spend the night before class trying to come up with good enough excuses not to go!!

So time to sort out this eating and I want to do it properly, no fad diets, no shakes, no eating rabbit food, I want to understand how my body works and be able to eat the right way so I am going to learn how and then if I enjoy it, I have a sneaky feeling I will then I will move onto the next course and fingers crossed one day i will be able to help others in exactly the same boat I am

And it is about time I got myself a career as well