my journey to health

Will be interesting to see how sore I am tomorrow but shit I am sore tonight, my back is killing me as are my hips.Today was a hard class, damn the italians for losing the soccer!! I had to wog up that hill again bloody hard this time, cause I was already buggered from the class, but I managed it – just!!

I have however found something I loathe more than squats yay!! The stupid ball thing I can’t remember what he calls it but it is heavy and you have to throw it down then squat and pick the bloody thing back up again!! It hurts, my legs, it hurts my back I really do not like it, it is almost like he spends his days scouring the internet looking for new torture devices!!

But there is an upside, I freakin love my class, I love the girls I go with, I love the way they encourage me and support me and each other, so stoked I found shape shift it is truly changing my life, bit by bit – Oh I must mention as well, I have shoulders!!! I don’t remember not having shoulders but all of a sudden they are there I can feel them, small steps!!

I would just like to take a moment to talk about a woman who I truly admire, who has really inspired me to do this in the first place, her name is kylie ann, when I met her about 5 years ago, she weighed around 190 kilos, she was doing optifast through the hospital and she used to walk a lot!! I used to look at her and think jesus how the hell do you do it, she was at that time about 70 kilos heavier than me and there is no way I could have done what she did, she used to walk 10 kms, pushing two children in a pushchair, she lost about 50 kilos from memory and then she plateaued and she struggled and she slowly started putting it back on, eventually she had bypass surgery and man did she use that opportunity given to her, she started training, she walked, she ran, she did classes, she discovered a whole new life, I was stoked for her, she looked incredible, then she had bowel surgery, after a whole pile of things going wrong she ended up with a massive hernia, I was shocked when I saw it, it was huge and she struggled to exercise with it, she slowly started putting on weight again. She still has the hernia she is fighting to have surgery which fingers crossed will be soon but she is still putting herself out there, still doing the exercises she is able to do  and still fighting to lose those extra kilos.

I love this woman, I love how hard she works, I love the effort she puts in to everything she does and one day I will catch up to her and stand alongside her, instead of us being the fatties in the photo we will be the hotties, this time will come.

So I had to take a few minutes out of my day to quickly write this – this morning we had a new addition to class, her name is lisa and she is pretty awesome, she is a big woman and this was the first time she had exercised, the reason this is so awesome? To do what she did today, to come to a class where she knew no one and was out of her comfort zone takes some serious balls. I wouldn’t have done it when I first started, I started with a personal trainer on my own, there is no way I would have stepped foot in a class with others!! So huge ups to her for doing something I was way too scared to do. And she did well, she did so well, it is really hard to take that first step, to put yourself out there, to ask for help, to let people see your weaknesses. It takes massive ammounts of courage and serious determination and god bless you mike for making it okay for women like us to exercise, for making us feel comfortable, for making us stronger and empowering us.

It was very interesting watching lisa struggle today because it made me realise how far I have come, I remember what it was like to feel like she did today, to feel and be physically ill, but I forget that I was like that not that long ago and it encourages me to keep going. On a side note, I love our classes, all the women there are amazing and friendly and supportive, I love being a part of it and I love that I feel so comfortable there.

I am not sure if I have put it on here before but these are the classes I go to if you are looking for an awesome trainer and an even awesomer bunch of women, come join us
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shape-Shift/490806197660894

Well there have been a couple of achievements this week!! At saturdays training, we had to run up the hill 3 times, I didn’t run up just walked as fast as I could but I did jog back down, and I did it three times, sure it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t exactly hard either – last time we had to do this three times, mike let me off with only twice as I just could not do it, saturday I did it!!!

Sunday I was convinced to go to the track, after running both straights and walking the curves, my ankles and calves were killing me so we ran the stairs to the gym where we did arms, ness taught me a new exercise for triceps, so we worked our little asses off and I was pretty sore come monday, when I got to class to discover we were doing arms including triceps, holy shit did I struggle my arms were in agony!! I came home and did my housework knowing I would not be able to move my arms the next day.

Next day arrives and I am only slightly achey across my back and triceps, WTF??? I kind of felt cheated, I expected the pain there was none, I wondered for a moment if I had done the exercise wrong, but I hadn’t, guess I am just getting good at this, well my muscles are getting used to it anyway!!!

Another wee achievement was, today mike showed me how to shuffle up the hill, it is not a walk, but it is not quite a jog it is just a slow shuffle, I did it all the way to the top and all the way back down, with mike at my side, I felt just a little proud, then the shit made me do these revolting straight leg sit ups, they were horrible, they were hard, and they hurt, will be interesting to see where that pain will be in the morning! Not only do I hate the hill but I have also discovered something I hate with almost as much passion – SQUATS I used to do squats they never really bothered me too much, but he makes us do them with weights, do them fast, do them slow, pulse, who the fuck pulses, seriously??? Today we added in going up on our toes, I don’t care how we do them, what little extras are thrown in, they have become my new nemesis!!

On the weekend I caught up with a bunch of girls I went to school with, now normally this is something I would have avoided, not because I don’t like them, I adore them, but because I didn’t want to be the fat girl, that girl that everyone said “ooh didn’t she get fat” about. I tend to avoid these situations because I just don’t feel comfortable, but this time I went and I had a ball, it was awesome seeing them, one of them I had not seen in 28 years and it was just like we were back at school!! So although my body has not changed that much, although I have not lost weight, this exercise thing has given me more confidence, confidence to just be who I am and be comfortable in my own skin.

I also this week booked tickets to christchurch, I usually avoid flying as my ass won’t fit in an aeroplane seat, but you know what bugger that, I left christchurch 14 years ago, and I have never been back, the last year there was one of the worst of my life, my husband had an affair and my house burned down, we lost pretty much everything we owned. So when I left there I put that part of my life behind me and I moved on. Well you know what, that was not fair, I had some amazing friends, people who supported me and helped me, people who gave me a roof over my head when I had none, people who cried with me, got drunk with me and eventually made me laugh again, and I just walked away without looking back. Now I am going to rectify that, I am going to catch up with old friends and new friends, I am going to spend my brothers 30th with him, we are going to travel to alexander, dunedin, invercargill and back to christchurch again and see some amazing people along the way.
As for the aeroplane, I am going to put my children either side of me and lift the seat arms up, I am going to look the air hostess in the eye when I ask for an extender belt. I am going to enjoy my holiday and I am not going to let my weight stop me doing anything again!!

So today I enrolled in a course, a course on human nutrition no less, I have this exercise thing down pat, I know what I need to do, I am doing it and as much as I loathe to say it, I am enjoying it, in fact it has become so normal that I don’t even spend the night before class trying to come up with good enough excuses not to go!!

So time to sort out this eating and I want to do it properly, no fad diets, no shakes, no eating rabbit food, I want to understand how my body works and be able to eat the right way so I am going to learn how and then if I enjoy it, I have a sneaky feeling I will then I will move onto the next course and fingers crossed one day i will be able to help others in exactly the same boat I am

And it is about time I got myself a career as well

Check her out
https://www.facebook.com/befitmakyfitness

Thought I would share with you some pics I just came across, me at 25, 30, 40 and a year ago when I started this! There is 63 kilo difference between the 30th photo and the last one!
On a side note, todays work out was awesome. I have a zone, as long as the music is loud and has a good beat, I can close my eyes, totally focus on the music and pretty much forget what I am doing it is awesome, takes my mind off the pain really well!!

And I went clothes shopping today, I struggled to fit a 26 before, now I easily fit a 26 top, could have gone a 24 but I prefer loose than fitting and pants 26 was enormous and fell straight down, 24 was perfect so although not a lot of progress on weight, a lot on my body

Now mike asked me the other day if I was holding back because he read my blog!! Hell no I haven’t been at all, he just hadn’t been that mean.

Now it may be coincidental but on saturday after class I happened to stop into the local coffee shop, I happened to be coerced(not) into having a white chocolate mocha which happened to be the most amazing thing I think I have ever had, I then walked out without paying. When I posted on her wall to  apologise  mike sprung me!! You know when your trainer catches you at the local chocolate shop it is going to hurt

So on monday off I went to class and dear god he was mean, he was super freakin mean. I can admit now, that I had been feeling great after the last few classes, very little pain, I was thinking hell I am getting good at this shit. Yeah, no I am not, I think for a short space of time he discovered a deeply hidden nice gene and was just a little kinder on us all. On monday he buried that gene right back down as deep as he could and boy did he work us!!

The first half hour was fine, bike and boxing with him, sweet as, we are good at that now,  then the hell started – crunches, boxing, lunges, squats, kettle bells, that god damn hill, more squats and crunches and by the end I had no energy, nothing left in me, I didn’t even want to speak, I was truly and utterly rooted!!

I expected a lot of pain today, a lot, I expected to barely be able to walk, however, and I loathe to say this cause I know the shit will read this, but I  am actually not that sore, across my shoulders and a little bit on my legs that is it. Though we have class again tomorrow so I am sure he will rectify the lack of pain!!

So had a good training session this morning, though halfway through, I felt like I was going to vomit, my stomach is certainly going to make me pay for yesturday!!
I was very unmotivated this morning, I didn’t want to be there, I felt like shit and to be honest it went through my head a number of times that I just don’t want to do this anymore! Being fat is easy, it takes no effort you don’t have to work at it, it just is!
But I will keep trudging on, cause I need to, cause its not just about looking fat it is about my health, I have  four children, I need to be there for them to be able to do things with them.

So Mike is right I have been so stoked with not putting on weight for so long that I have become a bit complacent, those of you who put on weight easily will understand the massive achievement it is to not put on weight even when you have eaten badly, but you know what I was stoked with that right back in january I was so stoked to come back from holiday and not be 10 kilos heavier and it is a big achievement personally for me.
However, it is not enough, because it was such a huge thing I  let that be my goal and just let things be, now I need to lose weight, I need to get into the 130’s. I have joined an optifast group but I don’t want to do that it is just another diet. Now I know it works and people lose vast ammounts of weight on it, but I don’t want to do a diet, I want to be able to do it with real food, with food that will sustain my body with food that will make me feel good, so time for a bit of research I think and time to stop being complacent and actually lose some weight.

My body has and is changing, the exercise is doing that, I am getting smaller, things are fitting me better and it lulls me into a sense of I’m doing ok and I am, but I need to up the anti and do better, it has been a year this month since I first started exercising and I am really pleased with how far I have come, time to set new goals. Last year was a year of starting this journey of learning new things and learning to get off my ass. This year is going to be a year of getting this weight off.

On a side note we did kicking at class today, I really enjoyed it I am loving this boxing stuff, I am going to give myself a bit longer and then I think I might look at doing some kickboxing classes

So sucking back tramadol last week has been a rather large contributor to my lack of motivation and incredible tiredness this week, that is why I hate taking them the come down from them is extreme tiredness, on top of that it is that time of the month and I am still having bowel issues.
So combining all three is not a conducive to good eating, an excuse, I know, I was so tired and unwell yesturday I missed class which I swore i wouldn’t do, I ordered pizza for dinner which of course just made my bowel issues worse as fatty foods tend to cause me extreme pain. Then of course this morning the side effects had me on the couch in pain most of the day!!
So you know what I did, I ate a healthy salad and made myself feel better!!

Of course I fuckin didn’t!! I could have, I should have, but no I had two slices of the left over pizza then at school pick up the kids were hungry so I grabbed them something to eat before dancing and myself a pie and sausage roll FFS, so stupid I didn’t even really enjoy them, so now I have once again filled my body with fatty food which will make me sicker and more tired with less energy, it is such a ridiculous cycle and it pisses me off that I allow myself to start it let alone continue it

But I can’t let a failure stop me, otherwise it is simply another excuse to give up, I shall make a salad if I get hungry later and tomorrow I will be up bright and early and off to class!

I want to know how these people that lose massive ammounts of weight do it, where they find their motivation and how they keep on track, someone should make that into a pill, they would make billions