my journey to health

In that time I have managed to put back on 20 kilos, but hey I am still 20 kilos lighter than when I started so hey its got to be all good right??

I am entered in the auckland marathon now, just for the 12k traverse and I find myself incredibly unfit, it has been a real struggle to get back into it, to get myself motivated again, but I am doing my best.

I have started with small steps, my first goal is to walk virginia st without feeling like I am quite literally going to die, I have walked it 3 times this week, and it has not gotten easier yet, but I will persevere, if my calves hold up for long enough.  The biggest struggle is finding time to exercise and being able to make a million excuses as to why I can’t, virginia st is 10 minutes out of my life and a damn good workout taking into account the ridiculous steepness of it!!! It is a minute from my house and my kids can do it with me, so it takes away any excuses, there simply are none.

Today I ventured down to the stadium and managed two kms walking with 800m of running and a few bar push ups which I thought was pretty bloody good, and I ran the stairs on the way out, I did have to sit for a minute or two after that though.

So I am back, I am once again committed and we shall see how far it takes me, this is battle that will never end but I figure as long as I don’t ever let it overtake me again, it will be all good!!

I am still here, still going strong, I have had so many people ask me if I have quit as I haven’t written anything lately. No I haven’t quit, i just need to be in the mood to write and life has been a little too hectic of late.

We have moved so that has taken up some serious me time, work has been crazy busy, that is settling down again thank goodness so I am back.

I have joined a number of pages on facebook pages of people who are on massive weight loss journeys and theme is always the same, it is always about dieting or a particular way of eating. Now don’t get me wrong I actually have no issue with this at all, we do what works for us. I just cannot stand the thought of feeling guilty if I put something in my mouth I shouldn’t, if I was to count calories or points or carbs or anything else it would drive me nuts. It was easter this weekend, so I ate some chocolate, I started with just a square as I am not a chocolate fan, but this was one of those bars with rice crispies and jelly beans and popping candy which hid the chocolate taste quite nicely, and OMG it was good, it was so good in fact I ate the entire bar over the space of two days. Do I feel guilty?? Hell no I don’t, I thoroughly enjoyed every single mouthful. It may have made me put on some weight but meah, so what. What I have finally learned is to enjoy food, to taste something, enjoy it and move on, not to restrict or punish myself.
I cannot spend the rest of my life counting my food or worrying about putting on a few grams, I have to be able to live and if it takes me a couple more years to lose this weight so be it! As long as I stay on track I am in no hurry.

So I have a few achievements I feel need to be told, I can now do a proper burpee, two feet at the same time!!! It does not look glamorous in any way, shape or form, in fact I probably resemble a wallowing hippo whilst doing them, but I can do them!! Who would have thought that being able to do a proper burpee would give me such a thrill? Bastard Mike made me do 88 of them the other day, not all in a row thank god!!

I also bought a pair of boots, a normal size pair of boots, not plus size. Those of you who have big legs will totally get where I am coming from. Sure they have a stretchy panel in them, but I can do them up and comfortably!!! And they didn’t cost me $100’s  either.

I found myself sitting on the couch the other day with my legs folded under me when I realised what I was doing I wondered how long I had been able to do that for, I don’t remember when I could do it again, I obviously just started doing it, there is no way i could have done that 6 months ago – simple things, things others take for granted suddenly become a big deal.

And I have shoulders, actual shoulders, not just shoulders I can feel but shoulders you can see, and a collar bone, sure that is not fully visible but shit it is close. My tops all fall off my shoulders now and I have taken to wearing tights a lot – I know, I know they are for exercise not fashion, but it is too hard to shop at the moment, I am almost an 18 but not quite and my 20’s are getting a bit loose so I don’t want to spend money on either size until I fully go down another size.

My arms however are saggy They are actually starting to get a little better but they still carry on waving long after I have stopped, and my stomach oh the sag, the incredible sag. You can’t possibly understand the sag until you have it, there is a lot of skin that has been massively stretched and as the stretch is leaving, the skin has nowhere to go but down. I now have to wear “pull me in” undies each and every day, If I don’t I wobble, I wobble when I walk, when I run I don’t just wobble, it is more like a wave crashing on the shore, it is hideous, but the right undies keep it in place. I tell you, when this journey is over I am on that plane to Thailand and I am getting every last bit of that sag cut and polished.

On the exercise front, I have been told numerous times, wait till you you have been doing it a while, you will get addicted, you will love it!!! Well it has been quite a while now, in fact it has been an entire year since I started with Mike and you know what I don’t love it, I am not addicted to it, I still hate every single minute of it. I have to drag myself to class, during class I spend the entire time waiting and wishing for it to be over. Sure it is easier, it is a lot easier, I don’t struggle like I used to, my next goal is to run all the way up the luckens rd hill, not that long ago I struggled to walk all the way up it. But I still truly hate exercise in any form. And people are right when they say it is a mind thing, it really, truly is. Losing weight, getting fit, changing anything about your life is really damn hard, it means having to change your mindset, change the way you think, they way you feel about things, and until you do that it really doesn’t matter what you do with your body, because without the mind change you will just go back to what you have always done.

So here I am lighter, fitter, healthier, happier. I eat well, I limit alcohol, I play at the park with my kids, hell I even fit down the slide, I swing on the swings, I sit cross legged, I wear normal size boots, I fit seatbelts, I can run, I can do burpees and push ups. I am still fat, but I am okay with that, it is not the issue it used to be, it doesn’t control me, it doesn’t limit me, it no longer defines me.

I also still eat crap food, sometimes I binge on alcohol, I can be lazy and sleep in and miss class and sit in front of tv for hours.  I hate burpees and running with an incredible passion. I am still that person that got to 150 kilos. I have just learned to do these things ocassionally, not full time, and fingers crossed I manage to get that balance between the two right and keep it right for many years to come.

Things have been going pretty good of late, not so much exercise, but as things settle back to normal I will get back into it. Still doing PT sessions with mike which are great though.

So I went to the doctor yesturday who commented as soon as I walked in on how much weight I had lost, so he weighed me and on his scales from highest to lowest I have now lost 40 kilos!!! What a massive ammount that is, I struggle to even comprehend that much weight. If you asked me to carry 40 kilos around I doubt I could do it, yet I did it for a very long time. I am really stoked at this and really proud of myself for doing it, so was my doctor, my doctor used to be a very fat man, he no longer is, so he fully understands what it is like to be fat and everything that goes along with it.

He asked me how awesome it was to be able to tie my shoelaces, and you know what I hadn’t even noticed that I could do that again until a month ago, the ease I do it with now is just taken for granted. I forget how much I struggled with these simple things before. I bought some shoes the other day which I absolutely love, they have a t bar across the top and it didn’t even cross my mind that I usually avoid these kind of shoes, in fact any type of shoes that you have to tie or buckle I just don’t buy as I cannot bend to do it. Well after the doctor made that comment, I started thinking and realised not only did I buy shoes I never normally would but I do them up and undo them without any trouble at all.

Everything is just a little bit easier now, bear crawls for example, I still hate them with a passion but it is not as uncomfortable to do them anymore, running is easier, hell walking is even easier!

I can cross my legs again, last night I painted my toenails, these things I haven’t done in years, shaving my legs is no longer a mission and you know what’s really nice, walking into a shop and buying clothes – before I had to pick up the biggest size no matter what it looked like, I just couldn’t be fussy! And I would hope like hell it would fit, I didn’t even bother trying things on I just bought the biggest, it got to a stage however that often the biggest wouldn’t fit , that was quite scary as I didn’t really know where to go from there. Now I walk in and I try things on, it is hard to get my head around not grabbing the biggest sizes and having a choice of what I can wear!!! And they are no long big and unflattering, now they have shape.

This is a huge life changing thing, I really hadn’t realised just how much my weight affected everything I did.  And how much harder it made everything!

lost 1.5 kilos, sweet!!! Figure if I can do that over christmas, I am good to go!!

First day back, mike was kind, didn’t cause us too much pain thank goodness. I kind of enjoyed it, except the heat, it is so bimmin hot even at 7.30 in the morning, I really don’t know how I am going to cope with workouts through the summer.

My daughter posted this on her facebook at christmas time, this was her and I last christmas and this christmas

Thank god, that is over, I didn’t over indulge at all, in fact I was pretty damn good if I do say so myself, apart from a couple of lindt chocolates it was all good. And I exercised, got back in the couch to 5k which one day I will actually complete!

And then new years hit!! I figured what the hell I am going to have one night off, so boy did I, I pretty much ate my body weight in chips and reduced cream dip, I drank more than one bottle of wine, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I continued it into the next day with more chips and dip and a bit of vodka but didn’t go too overboard. Well I have been paying for that ever since, I have been very sick, my stomach is not okay at all and I haven’t done a single bit of exercise since.

On the drinking note, I would just like to say my husband bought me a bottle of whipped cream vodka for christmas and it is still half full, last year that would have been well gone by now

However I am off to PT tomorrow afternoon so I have no doubt he will make me pay for every single indiscretion and I am good with that!

I am meeting an old friend tomorrow, we went to intermediate and high school together and have recently caught up thanks to facebook, she also struggles with her weight and since around august she has given up sugar and has joined this group called big boys/big girls they work out at the gym three mornings a week and what a change it has made to her, and to others, it is so awesome seeing programmes out there targeted specifically at us fatties, so I am going to go along wed morning 5am and give it a try with her.

I am noticing huge changes now, just things I hadn’t really thought about, I can now sit on the couch and put my socks on and tie my shoelaces, I used to have to do it on the boot of my car as it is the only place I could get my legs up high enough to be able to reach down and tie them. Everything is just getting easier.

I now have big goal in place, I haven’t really had one to work towards other than losing weight but I plan on flying this year and I need to fit comfortably in an aeroplane seat, without having  to rely on one of my kids to sit in the seat next to me so I can spread out. And without having to squash the poor person next to me or pull my shoulders in everytime a stewardess walks past me, hell I might even be able to fit in the toilets lol!!

So I want to be under 100 kilos by may this year, is it achievable? Who knows? I can only but try. Last weigh in I was 122.5, I may be slightly more than that tomorrow but we shall see, 5 months 22 kilos

I have been so busy with work, class, Xmas parties, catch ups it is all go!!

So I  am now down 27 kilos since (more…)

Had PT session today, wow I think I might be sore tomorrow, had to do 30 hard out minutes on the bike, wow I was sweating like a bush pig!!! Then arms, because I was stupid enough to ask for arms, may regret that at work tomorrow!!!

Now there is a massive downside to losing weight – SAGGY SKIN!!! And boobs and everything else. When you have been this size everything is stretched well and truly out of shape, there is no chance of it ever going back and to be honest the thought of masses of saggy skin is almost as offputting as being fat in the first place, I really don’t know which is worse!

I probably shouldn’t have googled, but I did, and I am sorry but ewwww it is horrible. I am already noticing it around my neck and on my stomach, my stomach especially is sagging lower and lower as there is less fat to pad it out and it is really not pretty or nice. Underneath my arms swing like they have a mind of their own. sure they were always fat and always swung a bit but it is far worse now. I don’t wave and I try not to gesticulate when talking. I don’t wear singlets or cap sleeves or anything that shows my upper arms!

Oh and my boobs, I thought I was doing alright for a 40 something year old, well no, no I was not, it was just the rolls of fat on my stomach holding them in a perky position, now those rolls are deflating, guess what is going down with them!!

So I am thinking it is time to start saving for a wee trip to thailand get a few lifts and nips and tucks here and there!!!

The other downside clothing, I am now heading into a 22 from a 26-28 and as much as it is lovely having things too big for me, it is quite costly to clothe someone my size and it is not a few kilos between sizes either it is a good 10 kilos from one size to another so it is not like I can skip a size of clothes and just wait till I hit the next size, I need to buy clothes in every bloody size!!! I do really look forward to the day I can walk into a shop and buy something cheap off the rack that doesn’t look like it was made for my nana!!!

My leg is still giving me assholes, my new worst enemy those horrible silver things you have to push through to get into a supermarket!! They hit my leg at exactly the wrong spot and it hurts when I forget and one of them gets me!! I hope someone can sort it soon because it is starting to drive me insane!!!

Anyway off to the hot pools this weekend with some awesome friends, which means new togs, cause the old ones are a bit gapey and saggy!!!!

All is good in my little corner of the world!! Still going strong! I think I have finally found that balance between good and bad, calories now mean nothing to me, I am eating mostly just good food, I found myself doing things like leaving avocado out because it had more calories than something else but have finally realised that good food, is good food, regardless of how many calories are in it, I eat avocado I use amazing olive oil, I eat good bread, it is all about fuelling your body, not starving it! It has taken me a very long time to discover this.

Exercise is going well, though I only managed once last week, I have a pinched nerve, I have had it for years but all of a sudden it has become a massive issue in my life the entire side and front of my left thigh, burns like a bitch, then I get stabbing pins and needles, then the real pain starts and even walking becomes almost impossible, but its okay because when the pain finally subsides, the itching begins, the I just want to rip my leg off kind of itching, that you can’t even itch because my leg is so tender and sore, just touching it is agony. Not only that but my lower back has decided it is not particularly keen on being kind to me at the moment either. So my current best friend is my osteopath who is trying very hard to fix me, and you know what I don’t mind if it takes just a little bit longer because he is pretty damn cute !!!!

Mike has started boot camp on a saturday morning which is really awesome, I have only been once, but it is nice to do something quite different, I am still attempting to do one day PT and three classes, but my leg killed that last week. And finding time is becoming a slight issue as well, not only do I work at the bakery which by the way I still love, but I also now work one day a week as a rental assistant back at barfoot and thompson where I used to work, a job which I also love, as much as I hate them, night classes are going to be my thing soon.

So when we came back after break we got weighed and I put on 1 kilo, now I am okay with this in fact I am quite proud of it, why you ask? Because a whole pile of effort went into gaining that kilo. It was my dear friends wedding and I spent the entire weekend and I do mean the entire weekend drinking and eating, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many bottles of wine, or beer or bourbon I consumed, nor could I tell you how many of the amazing desserts made their way down my throat, but there were certainly a few, and it took some serious dedication to party like a teenager again, but party we did. So I am happy to own my kilo and I am thankful there was only one of them.

I weighed again this monday after having virtually an entire week of exercise and cause I was having a fat week and what do you know another 3 kilos down!! Stoked!! I have been tucking my t shirts under my bra straps for a while as they just seem to be hanging off my shoulders, didn’t really click till I put an old t shirt on the other day that used to be too small for me, that my t shirts were hanging off my shoulders because they are now too big!! Being that one day a week I now have to dress a bit corporate, I pulled out some old clothes, put away because they were too big and what do you know they fit!! So achievements all around

This week has been our week off, as usual I was slightly concerned about what I would do without him, but our gym added a new boxing gym so thought we would try it out, went along to the combat chick class. OMG it sucked, it was the shittest class I have ever attended, it was so easy we went and worked out at the gym afterwards!! So I was pretty put off and wasn’t really keen to go back again, I was also a bit concerned about being the unfittest in a class full of strangers as well.

But I wasn’t!! I had no problem keeping up in fact I did better than a couple of them thank god, So we decided to go again today and try the combat combo class, a mix of boxing and kick boxing. Vannessa and I were the only 2 who turned up so we had the trainer to ourselves, and he was awesome, taught us heaps did some practise then put us in the ring together one on pads, one on gloves and we had to move, that was hard, the punching was fine, the moving was tricky!! Then we did 2 rounds in the ring with him – freakin loved it so think I might just sign up.

Eating has been a bit crap lately but meah, that happens, oh and the diet, yea the reason I don’t do them is cause they suck, I lasted a week, back to just doing it the healthy way!!!

I don’t think I have yet introduced you to our new family member, his name is optimus tyrone prime and no I had no say in the naming of him, and he is pretty damn awesome, unfortunately my daughter thinks he is a doll and dresses him in dolls clothing!!!

Had my night class last night which was awesome!! There was heaps of running, so mike kept me behind and I did a wicked workout with him, bit of boxing which of course is my fav, then today we started our first PT session, which again was awesome, except the fact I had to do chest presses on top of already sore chest press muscles!! Love working with Sandi, and of course with mike!
Sometimes it is nice to step out of the zone of the class and deal with the nitty gritty, I think these extra sessions will be well worth it.
So Mike weighed me at the beginning of this 7 week block and he weighed me again today for our PT sessions, 6.6 kilos down!! I am more than a little stoked and just goes to show my hard work is paying off!!

I have to say I am very, very happy with my life right now, work is amazing, I love the work and the people, home is awesome, kids are growing into amazing human beings, hubby is fantastic and I have done nothing but socialise in the last few months with some beautiful people – old friends I had lost touch with, new friends who I adore, and friends that have been there for what seems like forever. My health is good, my weight is getting there, all is well in my little world.!!

I have to add, I have lost a few friends over the last couple of years, some due to mindless gossip, some due to life changes, and you know what that is okay, because everyone comes into your life for a reason, and they are not always there for a long time, but they are always there to teach you something. I think it is really important though to remember the fun and fantastic times you had with those people, the parts of those friendships you really treasure, it is easy to make someone the worst person on earth when you are no longer friends or in relationships, it is much, much harder to look on the bright side and remember the good times, I am glad I have the ability to do just this!!

Onwards and upwards from here there is no stopping me now, I weighed in tonight at 130, so close to being in those 20’s, so close